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PRAGTI gal 

Etiquette 








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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

"Brn^^ 

Chap. Copyright No, 

Shelf_,_i^4_. 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



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PRACTICAL 



ETIQUETTE 



By N. C. 



TWENTIETH THOUSAND 



Entirely Re-written and 
Enlarged 









<y 



CHICAGO 

A. FLANAGAN. 



TWO COPIES RECEIVED, 

L ibrary of Cotiptftq| 
Office of th4 

iGl 5 1899 

igister of Copyrights 






50971 

Copyright, 
1899, 

by a. Flanagan 



SECOND COPY, 






PREFACE. 

The very extensive sale of Practical 
Etiquette, a sale that has required the is- 
suance of a large number of editions of the 
little manual, has been very gratifying to 
its author, as was also the commission of its 
publisher to re- write and enlarge the work. 
This commission, however, brought with it 
a keen sense of responsibility, for the author 
feels that a new work on etiquette can find 
a raison <VHre only in a fairly successful 
attempt at answering practically every ques- 
tion that can arise concerning social rela- 
tions, at least in ordinary social life. But 
to speak with authority on all matters of 
"good form" is to speak dogmatically, and 
so to speak is in itself not good form. 
Nevertheless, and in spite of this dilem- 
ma, the author has attempted herein to 
decide, when compelled to do so, between 
conflicting opinions in mere matters of 
social custom, and has given as authority 
the opinion that seemed to her to conform 
most nearly to common sense, embodying 



such opinion in an unqualified statement 
without citing authority. Fortunately, 
social customs are now so nearly uniform in 
all parts of the country, that one familiar 
with the ways of good society in the West 
or in the North, is at home in good society 
in the East or in the South. 

The author is under obligation to so 
many persons for suggestions and advice, 
as well as to many authors, that it does not 
seem best to give a list of the same, especially 
as such list could be only a partial one, for 
many of her friends would not desire men- 
tion of their names. 

N. C. 



Dec. i, iSpp. 



CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER I. 

Introductions 7 

Cai^s 9 

Cards 15 

Visiting 20 

CHAPTER II. 

Notes of Invitation 21 

Announcement Cards 26 

Wedding Invitations 30 

Acceptances and Regrets 32 

Letters^. 35 

Letters oe Introduction 39 

CHAPTER III. 

Dinners 41 

Luncheons 44 

Breakfasts 44 

Teas 44 

Receptions. 46 

Dancing Parties 46 

Card Parties 47 

Weddings 48 

Wedding Gifts 52 

Wedding Anniversaries 53 

CHAPTER IV. 

Conversation 56 

Chaperonage 60 

Marriage 62 

Domestic Etiquette and Duties 64 



CHAPTER V. 

Dress 66 

Gloves 69 

Street Etiquette 70 

Traveling 73 

Bicycling 75 

Telephoning 76 

CHAPTER VI. 

The Table and Service at Table 79 

Habits at Table 86 

Servants and Serving 94 

CHAPTER VII. 

Funerals 98 

Mourning 100 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Politeness oe Young Children 102 

School-P-oom Etiquette 108 

CHAPTER IX. 

Official Etiquette Ill 

CHAPTER X. 

Business Correspondence 113 

Letters oe Application, etc 116 

CHAPTER XL 

General Hints 124 



INTRODUCTION. 



True politeness is to do and say 

The kindest thing in the kindest way. 



If civil law is the outgrowth of regard for 
other people's rights, social law is equally 
the outgrowth of regard for other people's 
feelings and convenience. Social law is 
kindness and good- will and the desire to be 
agreeable codified. A system of so much 
importance cannot be unworthy of con- 
sideration. 

The very essence of good manners is self- 
possession, and self-possession is another 
name for self-forgetfulness. Gentility is 
neither in birth, manner, nor fashion, but in 
the mind. A high sense of honor, a de- 
termination never to take a mean advantage 
of another, and an adherence to truth, 
delicacy, and politeness towards those with 
whom one may have dealings, are the essen- 
tial and distinguishing characteristics of a 
gentleman. 

Quietness in all things is an essential 
element to a well-bred person. He shuns 
all outward display of his personality; he 
cares not to to be seen or heard; he eschews 
noisy and grandiloquent talk; he avoids 



6 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

showy and noticeable costumes. His voice 
is low; his words simple; and his actions 
grave. He holds himself habitually under 
restraint; his words never seem to vibrate 
with emotion. 

Habits are said to be good or bad as 
the result of actions that are right or wrong. 
A man of good habits is one who has for so 
long a time practiced right thinking, speak- 
ing, and doing, that he acts properly from 
force of habit. 

Good manners are not to be put on for 
particular occasions, like fine clothes, but 
they should be one's second nature. The 
simpler and more easy and unconstrained 
one's manners, the more he will impress 
people with his good breeding. Affectation 
is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity. 




CHAPTER I. 

Introductions, Cau,s, Cards, Visiting. 



"A beautiful behavior gives a higher pleas- 
ure than statues or pictures; it is the finest of 
the fine arts." — Emerson. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 

In introducing persons, one should be 
careful to pronounce each name distinctly. 

When either name is not perfectly under- 
stood, a repetition of it should be requested 
of the person making the introduction. 
When introductions are given, it is the man 
who should be presented to the woman; 
when two women are introduced, it is the 
younger who is presented to the elder. For 
example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. 
Smith, it is Mrs. Smith's name that is first 
mentioned. The word ''introduce" is pre- 
ferred to ' 'present. ' ' Informal introductions 
are given by merely mentioning the names; 
as, "Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones," and this is 
ordinarily sufficient. 

In introducing two sisters, the elder is 
"Miss Smith" and the younger "Miss Vir- 
ginia Smith." 

When two women are introducd to each 
other, it is not necessary for either to rise; 
a bow and a smile from each is sufficient. 



8 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

A woman does not rise when a man is 
presented to her, unless he is very old or is 
a person of great importance. Upon being 
introduced, a married woman may offer her 
hand to a man but it is not customary for a 
young woman to do so. 

It is the duty of a man who attends a 
private entertainment, to have himself pre- 
sented to every member of the family whom 
he does not know. 

An introduction in the street car is very 
bad form. 

One should never forget that it is diffi- 
cult, almost impossible, for some people to 
remember names and faces, and that such 
people actually suffer from their inability to 
recognize and call by name persons to whom 
they may have been introduced recently. 

It is not uncommon to see one approach 
such a person, offer her hand, and say, if 
there is not an immediate recognition, "I am 
afraid you do not remember me," while the 
person approached stands in agony, and 
gradually makes an apology for her poor 
memory, and asks the name. 

One who is truly polite, who is at all 
thoughtful for another person's feelings, 
would not be the cause of such a scene. 
She would prevent it by saying: "I am 
Mrs. Smith. I had the pleasure of meet- 
ing you at Mrs. Brown's luncheon last 
Thursday;" or something of the kind. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 9 

Whenever one has reason to think his 
name or face may have been forgotten, he 
should make himself known, in approaching 
another person, by giving his name at least. 

CALLS. 

A first call ought to be returned within a 
very short time. 

A lady when receiving rises as her callers 
enter, and they immediately advance to pay 
their respects to her before speaking to 
others. 

A man takes any vacant chair, without 
troubling the hostess to look after him. 

A man rises when women with whom he 
is talking rise to take their leave. Women 
calling do not rise unless those who are 
leaving are friends older than themselves. 

When taking leave, one ought to choose 
a moment when there is a lull in the conver- 
sation, and then take leave of the hostess, 
letting one bow include the others in the 
room. 

One month after the birth of a child, a 
call of congratulation is made by acquain- 
tances. 

A call of condolence is made within ten 
days after the death, if the caller is on inti- 
mate terms with the family, or within a 
month if otherwise. 



10 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Calls of congratulation are due to the 
newly married, and to the parents who gave 
the invitations to the marriage. 

A man invited by a woman to call upon 
her, cannot, without great discourtesy, neg- 
lect to pay the call within a week. 

A lady will never keep a caller waiting, 
without sending word that she will be in 
immediately. 

One ought always to return a call, but if 
the acquaintance is not desirable, the first 
call may be the last. 

Some women only rise when their callers 
leave, others accompany them as far as the 
drawing-room door; but it is always polite 
for a hostess to accompany her visitors to 
the front door when they take their leave, 
if there is not a servant on hand to open the 
door for them. The best bred hostesses 
even go so far as to accompany their callers 
to the elevator in a hotel or an apartment- 
house. Of course, if one has more than one 
caller at a time, it would be discourteous to 
leave the others to accompany one to the 
door; but, otherwise, it is rude to permit 
a friend to go to the door alone, and get out 
as best she may. 

A bride who is "At Home after Novem- 
ber first," should make a point of literally 
staying at home for an hour or two every 
afternoon during the month of November 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 11 

and the early part of December. She should 
be dressed to receive callers, and should 
have some dainty refreshments ready to 
serve, — tea and sandwiches or cake. After 
the first week of December the bride may 
begin to return her calls, calling first on 
those who first called upon her, and so on. 

When the ' 'at home' ' is a large and formal 
function, with engraved invitations and all 
the accessories of hired waiters, an elaborate 
repast, floral decorations, etc., — such as a 
debutante's coming out, a wedding reception, 
or a reception to celebrate a wedding anni- 
versary, and other large entertainments of 
this order, — an after-call is obligatory. But 
an ordinary "at home" does not demand 
another call, for instance, the reception or 
"days" a bride has on her return from her 
wedding trip, or when she is settled in her 
new home; or a tea or "days" for which a 
hostess informally sends the invitations 
written or engraved on her visiting cards, 
and receives with little ceremony and serves 
only a modest menu. On the contrary, the 
hostess owes a return call to all who attend; 
and only those who were invited, but were 
unable to be present, are in debt to her. 

The length of time proper for one to stay 
at an "at home" depends on circumstances. 
It is always a compliment to one's hostess 
to make a long visit at "a day", for it im- 



12 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

plies that one is having a pleasant time; but 
nobody should stay long enough to be a 
burden on the hostess's hospitality, or to 
detain her from her other guests. If one 
finds that she does not know any one present, 
or if she is not introduced to a congenial 
person with whom she can have a pleasant 
chat, it would be wise for her to leave after 
a conventional ten or fifteen minutes' call. 

The calling code demands that soon after 
a second caller is announced, the caller who 
was first present shall take leave of the 
hostess. The reason for this rule is obvious: 
visitor number one has already had a little 
time of uninterrupted tjste-a-t£te with the 
hostess before visitor number two appeared, 
and he or she should generously retire first, 
so that visitor number two may have the 
same privilege. But while this is the law, 
it depends somewhat on circumstances 
whether it is always carried out. If the 
first caller is an intimate friend of the 
hostess, and has come to have a long in- 
formal talk with her, and the second caller 
is merely a formal visitor whose obvious 
intention is to make a ceremonious visit, 
then the first comer may, with perfect pro- 
priety, outstay the other; or if the hostess 
has particularly asked the former to remain 
until after the latter goes, he may do so, 
and, of course, if the first visitor has come 
for some special reason, and the visitor who 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 13 

is announced later interrupts an important 
conversation, which, for business or other 
reasons, should be continued, the former is 
naturally justified in transgressing the call- 
ing code. All things being equal, however, 
it is the place of the first comer to be the 
first goer; and one must have a very good 
excuse for outstaying a caller who comes 
later. 

Guests who are invited to attend one large 
reception which is given for the express pur- 
pose of introducing a young woman into 
society, should make a call after the recep- 
tion, but if the debutante is introduced at a 
series of "days," the callers need call but 
once, on one of the "days." 

An invitation to any kind of "day'* or 
reception demands a card from a person 
who is unable to attend the function; and 
the card should be sent on the day of the 
reception, even if the invitation to the func- 
tion has been already answered, and even if 
an after-call is in order. 

When one calls on an acquaintance who 
is staying with a relative, the caller should 
ask for the latter (the hostess), even if she 
does not know her, and she should leave 
one of her own and one of her husband's 
cards for her, as well as one of each for her 
friend. It is not obligatory to leave two 
of her husband's cards for each woman. 



14 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Even in the most formal visiting, it is op- 
tional whether one leaves one or two cards. 
Probably the hostess will excuse herself 
altogether; but the caller must show her 
the courtesy of asking for her. 

In making a call it is proper to give one's 
card to the servant who opens the door, if 
it is not a regular reception day; but on 
such an occasion the card should be left 
either in the dressing-room or on the hall 
table in passing out. 

In making a formal call ten minutes is 
quite long enough to stay. 

When one is returning visits and driving, 
it would be in very bad taste to have the 
coachman get off his box and take the card 
to the door. It is the woman's place to de- 
liver her card in person, unless she has a 
footman to attend to it for her. 

In making an evening call a man should 
appear about half-past eight, and remain an 
hour. Even if his visit is to the daugh- 
ter, he should ask for her mother. 

It is quite proper, when making calls 
with a friend, for one to write her name in 
pencil on her friend's card, if she has no 
card of her own with her. 

Those women whose households are most 
modest find that the day "at home" is a 
great convenience, since, having a special 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 15 

time for receiving one's friends, all neces- 
sary arrangements can be made beforehand, 
and no embarrassing situations are apt to 
occur. 

When one calls on a friend who lives in a 
flat, she should, immediately after ringing, 
call through the tube her name and that of 
the person she wishes to see. 

A man leaves his overcoat, hat, and stick 
in the hall when making an evening call; 
when calling in the afternoon he leaves his 
overcoat in the hall, but carries his hat and 
stick into the drawing-room with him. 

When a daughter is in the parlor, and 
her mother is entertaining callers, she should 
rise when her mother does in bidding them 
good-day. 

It is very improper for a young girl who 
is ill to receive men callers in her room. 

CARDS. 

When an invitation to a reception is sent 
in the name of several women, a guest 
should leave or send cards for all whose 
names are on the invitation. A woman 
leaves with her own cards the cards of 
those members of her family who are un- 
able to call. 

A young woman, when calling upon her 
friends with a young man who is a stranger 



16 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

to them, should send his card with her own 
to the hostess and other women of the 
household. 

In making formal calls a visitor invari- 
ably hands her cards to the servant who 
opens the door with a card tray in her 
hand; when calling informally one may sim- 
ply give her name to the servant at the 
door, but then leaves no card later. 

A married woman, when making formal 
calls, leaves one of her husband's and one 
of her own cards for the hostess and for 
every other woman she asks for in the 
house, and one of her husband's cards, be- 
sides, for the host; but, while this is the 
rule for formal visiting, it is quite permis- 
sible for a married woman, when calling on 
a number of women who reside in the same 
house, to leave, besides her own and her 
husband's for the host and hostess, only one 
more of each for all the others. 

In making formal visits, and subsequent 
calls after the first formal visit has been 
made, a married woman need leave only one 
of her husband's cards with her own; and 
in making a call in acknowledgment of an 
invitation to an entertainment to which she 
alone was invited, — such as a woman's lunch- 
eon, — she should leave only one of her own. 

The fashionable visiting card varies in 
size; but for a married woman it is generally 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 17 

pure white and very thin, with the name 
engraved in ordinary script. For a woman 
who lives in the country, it is in good taste 
to have the name of her country place put 
just where, if she were in the city, her town 
address would be, which is in the left hand 
lower corner. 

If a woman receives "at home" cards for 
"Tuesdays in February," and is prevented 
from calling on any of the Tuesdays, she 
should send her card in an envelope, either 
by hand or mail, on the first Tuesday, and 
call on the hostess at the earliest opportunity 
on some other day. 

A man should use a card engraved, as 
"Mr. George Wellington Smith," not 
omitting the prefix, with the address in one 
corner, if desired. The size of the card 
varies from time to time, but it is smaller 
than a woman's card. 

The names of mother and daughter or 
daughters are often engraved on one card; as, 



MRS. JUDSON BROWN. 
MISS ANNA BNOWN. 



18 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 



mrs. judson brown, 
the; missks brown. 



The following is the usual form for an 
unmarried woman's card: 



MISS MAY BROWN, 



12 PINE) ST. 



It is quite proper for a woman to retain 
her deceased husband's name on her visiting 
cards; as, "Mrs. John Smith." Itisequally 
proper for her to use "Mrs. Jane Smith" 
for the purpose. 

When a caller is met by the hostess at 
the door, she should drop her card in the 
card receiver or leave it on the hall table on 
her way out. The object of such a card is 
not to introduce people when visiting, but 
as a reminder of the visit. 

"P. P. C." cards should be left on the 
occasion of a long absence (of over three 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 19 

months) ; on leaving town at the close of the 
season; on leaving a neighborhood where 
one has resided for years, or where one has 
resided for months and sometimes only for 
weeks, but not when changing houses in the 
same neighborhood, not even when about 
to be married, unless one's furture home is 
to be in another city. The words pom 
prendre congi signify to take leave. 

"R. S. V. P." means "Repondez s'il vous 
plait" which is the French for "Answer, 
if you please." 

Turning down the corner of a visiting 
card, meaning that the call was made in 
person, is no longer in vogue. One might 
leave her card in person, writing on it 
"With kind inquiries," when sickness or 
death has entered the household of a friend, 
and thus show a delicate courtesy. 

It is proper for a hostess to shake hands 
with a man visitor on his arrival and at his 
departure. 

It is an evidence of very bad taste for a 
young woman to send wedding cards to a 
married man without including his wife's 
name, even if she has no acquaintance what- 
ever with her. 

A young girl who is not ' 'out' ' does not 
have visiting cards. If she is the oldest or 
only daughter and is in society, her cards 
have upon them "Miss Smith." 



20 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

A woman should never ask a man for- 
mally calling to take his hat, or a woman to 
lay aside her wraps. 

A card sent to an afternoon reception 
represents one's self. It should be sent 
either by mail or messenger, and never by a 
friend to deposit upon the receiver with her 
own card. 

VISITING. 

A guest should always ascertain what are 
the usual hours of rising, taking meals, and 
retiring, and then conform scrupulously to 
them. 

Guests should give as little trouble as 
possible, and never apologize for the extra 
trouble their visit necessarily occasions. 

If a ride, drive, or walk is proposed by 
one of the family entertaining, a guest 
should acquiesce as far as her strength will 
allow, and do all in her power to seen 
pleased by the efforts, made for her enter- 
tainment. 

Upon taking one's departure, it is ex- 
pected — and reasonably, too — that some 
acknowledgment be made of the pleasure 
that has been afforded one. 

It is also proper upon returning home to 
inform the friends just left of one's safe 
arrival. 



CHAPTER II. 

Notes of Invitation, Announcement 
Cards, Wedding Invitations, Ac- 
ceptances and Regrets, Let- 
ters, Letters of 
Introduction. 



"Politeness is one of those advantages 
which we never estimate rightly, but by the 
inconvenience of its loss."— Samuel Johnson. 



NOTES OF INVITATION. 

Notes of invitation for evening parties 
are issued in the name of the lady of the 
house; as, 

Mrs. James Little requests the pleasure of 
Mr. and Mrs. George White's company on 
Monday evening, March seventeenth, from 
nine to twelve o'clock* 

The expression ' 'presents compliments' ' is 
obsolete, as is also the term "polite," which 
was formerly used in acceptances or regrets. 
The English form of "kind" or "very 
kind" is now substituted in its place. 

*It is now quite common to omit marks of punct- 
uation at the end of lines in an invitation. 



22 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

A very acceptable form of invitation for a 
mother (if the mother is not living, the 
father's name may be so used) and daugh- 
ter is this: 

Mrs. and Miss Graves at Home, Thurs- 
day, October twenty -seventh, from eight to 
eleveii o'clock. 

When a very large dinner party is to 
be given, the invitations should be issued 
at least two weeks in advance; and if some 
very celebrated people are to be invited, 
twenty-one days should elapse between 
sending out the invitations and the day 
of the function. For a small affair ten 
days' notice is sufficient. Invitations to 
large teas should be sent out fourteen days 
in advance, but for small ones a week's no- 
tice is sufficient. 

In answering an invitation sent out in the 
name of both mother and daughter, one 
should address the mother. 

When sending out invitations to evening 
parties, it is customary to denote the amuse- 
ment feature, if there is to be one, by nam- 
ing it in the lower left hand corner; as, 
''Dancing," or ' 'Cards," or "Fancy dress 
and masks. ' ' The hour is designated thus : 
"Dancing after nine," or "German at eight 
o'clock," or "Supper at half after seven," 
and underneath "Dancing." Sometimes a 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 23 

separate card is enclosed, reading "Dancing 
at nine o'clock." 

Mrs. George Brown requests the pleasure 
of Miss Lee's company on Tuesday evening, 
fa?iuary seventh, at nine o' clock. 

Dancing. 221 Thirty -fifth Street. 

The correct form of invitation for an en- 
tertainment where an elocutionist is to be 
the principal feature is worded as follows: 

Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of 
Mr. and Mrs. Brown's company on Thurs- 
day evening, December the first, at eight 
o'clock. 

124. Jewell Avenue. 

Reading by Professor William White. 

An invitation to a rose or lawn party 
might read thus: 

Mrs. James Smith. 

The Misses Smith. 

at home 

Tuesday evening, June the twenty-eighth, 

at eight o'clock. 

rose party to meet 

212 Sheridan Avenue. The Misses White. 

In writing invitations for a club for which 
one is acting as secretary it would be wise 
to put them in the third person, and then 
there would be no embarrassment about the 
arrangement of names. 



24 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

The words "reception" and "at home" 
are synonymous. Bach means an enter- 
tainment which takes place between certain 
stated hours in the afternoon or evening, 
where refreshments are served, and no 
especial order of amusement is provided, 
unless it is specified in the invitations. To 
a "reception" or "at home" the hostess 
generally sends invitations to all on her call- 
ing list. These large functions are usuallv 
given for some especial purpose; as, to 
introduce a debutante into society, to cele- 
brate a wedding anniversary, or for the 
bride and groom after the wedding ceremony, 
or merely that the hostess may meet all her 
friends. 

There is, however, a decided distinction 
between a reception or an "at home" and a 
tea or "days." An invitation to the first is 
engraved on a sheet of note paper or a large 
sized card, and is formally worded. The 
hours for the afternoon function are usually 
from four until seven, and one may expect 
to find at the house or place of entertain- 
ment decorations of flowers and greens, and 
quite an elaborate repast provided; but an 
invitation to a tea or to "days" does not 
imply that anything but the simplest kind 
of menu will be served, nor that any but 
simple preparations will be made. The 
invitations to the latter entertainments may 
be the hostess's visiting cards with the 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 25 

address and "tea at four o'clock" written in 
one corner; or if the hostess prefers to 
receive informally on more than one day, 
she may have the form "Fridays," or "Fri- 
days in February," or "First and third 
Fridays in February," or whatever days she 
chooses, written or engraved on her cards. 

The formal luncheon hour is from one to 
two o'clock. Afternoon teas are usually at 
five. One's visiting card can be used only 
for an invitation for an afternoon "at home;' ' 
invitations to dinner or luncheon must be 
written out. In sending out cards for a tea 
one should simply write the date and the 
hour in the lower left-hand corner; in 
sending a note, whether by messenger or 
post, the number of the house and the name 
of the street should be written out in full. 

The following is a good form of invitation 
to an "at home" given by several women: 

Mrs. James Smith 

Mrs. Charges White 

Mrs. Frederick Brown 

at home 

Saturday, April the sixteenth 

at four o'clock 

112 Madison Street 

The usual form of an invitation to a 
luncheon is as follows: 



26 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Mrs. James Brown 

requests the pleasure of your company 

at luncheon 

on wednesday, april the sixth, 

at one o'clock. 

Below this and to the right would be the 
address, and the date on which the invita- 
tion is written. 

The invitation for a musical may be 
worded as follows: 

Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of 
Miss Brown' 's company on Friday afternoon , 
March seventeenth, at two o'clock. 

JHusic 
P. S. V. P. 2 4 Queen Avenue. 

ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS. 

The simplest way to announce an engage- 
ment is for each of the engaged couple to 
write short notes of announcement on the 
same day to each one's relatives and near 
friends. All these notes are sent so that 
they will be received at the same time. 
They are written in the first person on 
dainty note paper, and the best form is the 
simplest. The character of the note must 
depend on the intimacy between the writer 
and the recipient. 

A pretty and fashionable sequence to the 
announcement is for the bride to give a tea 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 27 

for the express purpose of receiving con- 
gratulations. She may mention it in her 
notes of announcement, and h&rfiancS may 
mention in his notes that she will be at home 
on a certain day at a certain hour. She 
should then receive with her mother or some 
older relative, and she should have some 
light refreshment provided for her callers. 
All her young friends will call, and all the 
relatives and near friends of her fiance. The 
fiaiice should be present at the tea, or he 
may come before it is over, but he should 
not formally receive with his betrothed. 

Engagements are often announced in the 
newspapers. 

Wedding announcements or invitations 
should be sent in envelopes addressed to 
the father and mother of the family, to the 
daughter or daughters (addressed as the 
Misses), and to each of the grown sons. 
All these invitations in their envelopes may 
be enclosed in an outside envelope addressed 
to the parents. 

A wedding invitation or announcement 
card should always be addressed to both 
members of a married couple, even if the 
bride or groom who sends it is acquainted 
with only one. 

The correct form for wedding announce- 
ment cards is as follows: 



28 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE, 

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith 
announce the marriage of their daughter, 

Anna 

TO 

Mr. Frank Brown 

on Saturday, October the twenty-second, 

eighteen hundred and ninety-nine. 

Washington, D. C. 

The bride's "at home" cards should be 
separate, but enclosed with the announce- 
ments, and should read as follows: 

At Home 

Tuesday afternoons in January. 

125 West Fifteenth Street, 

New York City. 

Announcement cards should be sent out 
immediately after the wedding to every one 
on the bride's and groom's list. And, again, 
wedding announcement cards need not be 
sent out in any one's name. The follow- 
ing is an example: 

Married 

on Wednesday, January the eighteenth, 

eighteen hundred and ninety-nine 

at St. Thomas' Church 

New York, 

Margaret Baker White 

to 

William Barton. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 29 

When a bride is an orphan it is customary 
for the cards announcing her wedding to be 
sent in the name of one of her near relatives, 
or else they may read simply like the one 
given above. 

Wedding announcement cards demand 
no acknowledgment from an acquaintance 
of the bride who lives at a distance, unless 
a "day" or "days" are mentioned on them, 
when it is obligatory to send visiting cards 
on the "day" or the first one of the "daj's;" 
otherwise, if one wishes to be particularly 
polite, one may send a visiting-card in ac- 
knowledgment of the announcement, but it 
is not obligatory to do so. 

Wedding announcements are sent to 
friends at home as well as to those abroad, 
because the cards are supposed, not only to 
suggest remembrance, but to express a de- 
sire that the acquaintance should be con- 
tinued after the name is changed. 

The birth of a baby is announced in vari- 
ous ways, there being no especial rules of 
etiquette for making the announcement. 
Sometimes engraved cards bearing the baby's 
name and date of birth are sent by them- 
selves in small envelopes, into which they 
fit exactly; sometimes they go in an envel- 
ope with the mother's visiting-card, and are 
written instead of engraved. These cards 
should be attached to the mother's visiting 



30 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

cards by a piece of white baby ribbon, which 
is passed through a hole made in the top of 
both cards and tied in a tiny bow. They 
should be sent out when the mother is 
ready to receive calls. 

WEDDING INVITATIONS. 

Wedding invitations should be issued at 
least two weeks before the day of the affair. 

It is customary for the bridegroom to give 
to the bride's mother a list of his relatives 
and friends to whom he would like cards 
sent, and some member of the bride's family 
attends to it. 

When the guests at a wedding are lim- 
ited to the immediate family, the invita- 
tions may be personal notes sent by the 
bride's mother. The notes may read like 
the following: 

My Dear Mary, — It will give us all much pleas- 
ure if you will come to the very quiet wedding of 
my daughter Catherine to Mr.fohn Martin, on 
Saturday, February the fourth, at twelve o'clock, 
and remain to the little breakfast that will follow 
the ceremony. Only the members of the family will 
be present. Hoping that you may be with us the 
fourth, I am, 

Affectionately yours, 

Anna Brown. 

A formal invitation may read as follows: 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 31 

Mr. and Mrs. James M. Moore 

REQUEST THE PLEASURE OE YOUR PRESENCE AT 

THE MARRIAGE OE THEIR DAUGHTER 

AEICE 

TO 

Charges Albert Smith, 

Thursday Evening, August twenty-eourth, 

at eight o'clock, 

121 Seventh Street Bast, 

Davenport, Iowa, 

1899. 

Another form is as follows : 

Mr. and Mrs. John Brown 
request the pleasure oe your presence 

AT THE 

marriage breakfast oe their daughter 
Mary Louise 

AND 

Mr. Charees Aebert Smith, 
on Thursday, October the sixth, 
from one untie three o'ceock. 

15 Prospect Street. 

If the bride is an orphan, or if there is 
any very good reason why her parents' names 
should not appear on the invitation, the 
latter v&2Ly be sent in the name of the mar- 
ried brother and his wife, or in the name of 
whoever gives the bride the wedding recep- 
tion. It may read as follows: 



32 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Mr. amd Mrs. Charles Smith 

request the honor of your presence 

at the marriage of their sister 

bertha wild 

to ; 

Mr. James Montgomery Brown, 

on Wednesday, October the twelfth, 

at eight o'clock. 

2400 Fifth Street South. 

The following is a suitable form for an 
invitation for a silver wedding : 

Twenty-fifth Anniversary. 

Mr. and Mrs. John H. Smith 

at Home 

Saturday Ev'g, December twenty-seventh, 

Eighteen hundred ninety nine, 

From eight to eleven o'clock. 

ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. 

It is considered very rude not to reply to 
an invitation immediately, either by note 
of acceptance or regret. 

In writing acceptances one should never 
use "will accept" for "accepts," or "to 
dinner" instead of "for dinner" or "to 
dine." 

In accepting a dinner invitation one should 
repeat the hour named in order that, if any 
mistake has been made, it may be cor- 
rected. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 33 

An acceptance may be written as follows: 

Mr. and Mrs. Frank Warren accept with 
pleasure Mrs. John Somers' ki?idinvitatio?ifor 
Monday eveniyig, October seventh. 

The following is a good form for a note 
of regret: 

Mr. and Mrs. James Swift regret that, 
owing to sickness, they are unable to accept 
Mrs. Frank Hall 's kind invitation for Mon- 
day evening, March 16th. 

In writing regrets, when it is possible to 
do so, one should give the reason for not 
accepting an invitation. 

The best bred people agree that an invi- 
tation to a wedding reception or a wedding 
breakfast demands a response, whether or 
not a response is requested. But it is another 
question when one receives only an invi- 
tation to a church ceremony, or merely an 
announcement card with no "at home" card 
enclosed, and does not know the bride and 
groom well enough to call. If the cards 
are sent merely as a matter of courtesy 
because of business relations or on account 
of a former intimacy in the families, a call 
does not seem necessary. In such cases one 
must judge more or less for herself, and do 
what seems natural. If one lives in a small 
place and the bride comes there as a 
stranger, it is generally the best way to call, 
whatever be the form of the cards received. 



34 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Formal invitations to a church wedding 
do not demand an answer, unless one is 
requested, until the day of the ceremony, 
when those unable to attend acknowledge 
the invitation with visiting cards addressed 
to the father and mother of the bride, or to 
whoever sends out the invitations for the 
wedding. Invitations to a wedding recep- 
tion and a bride's "At Home" demand no 
other acknowledgment than visiting cards 
sent on the day of the function by those 
unable to attend. A formal invitation to a 
house wedding demands the same acknow- 
ledgment as an invitation to a church 
wedding. 

In acknowledging an invitation to a wed- 
ding, a single woman sends one of her visit- 
ing cards in an envelope addressed to the 
mother and father of the bride on the day of 
the wedding. A single man sends two of 
his cards, and a married couple send one of 
the wife's and two of the husband's cards. 
To the bride on her "At Home" day, cards 
should be sent in exactly the same way. A 
wedding reception, if it takes place in the 
evening, demands full dress. 

It is very courteous to acknowledge the 
reception of a "commencement" invitation. 

It is very bad form to write "Congratu- 
lations" on one's visiting card and send it 
in answer to a wedding invitation. If one 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 35 

desires to send her good wishes to the bride, 
then a personal note would be proper. 

It is also bad form to send a visiting card 
with "Regrets'' written in one corner in- 
stead of writing the proper note. 

If, having accepted an invitation, one 
changes her mind, she certainly ought to 
give some reason when writing a note of 
apology. 

LETTERS. 

In writing letters and notes of invitation, 
acceptance, regrets, or introduction, certain 
and specific rules of etiquette, ordained by 
custom, hold despotic sway; and unless one 
is acquainted with these, he must be con- 
sidered by those who are, as more or less 
uncultivated. 

In addressing an envelope one surely 
ought to know that the first line of the 
address should be at or below the middle 
of the envelope, and the address should be 
written in a plain hand devoid of flourishes. 
The place for the stamp is always the upper 
right-hand corner. 

In no way is one's culture sooner made 
known than by his manner of writing a note 
or letter. 

In a formal business letter or in one 
commencing "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam," 
the name of the person addressed is put at 



36 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE 

the end of the letter in the left-hand cor- 
ner, but it should not be repeated, if it is 
used at the head of the letter. 

The writing of notes in the third person 
is now confined to notes of invitations, 
acceptance, and regret. 

Nothing would show greater ignorance 
than signing one's name to a note written 
in the third person. 

In addressing a clergyman it is customary 
to commence with "Reverend Sir." Doc- 
tors of Divinity and of Medicine are thus 
distinguished: "The Rev. James Swift, D. 
D.," or "Rev. Dr. Swift;" "I. G. Latham, 
M. D.," or "Dr. Latham." 

In writing to servants, it is customary to 
begin thus: "To Mary Bates, — Mrs. White 
wishes, etc." 

When a woman is writing to strangers who 
will not know whether to address her in re- 
ply as "Mrs." or "Miss," the address of 
the writer should be given in full, after 
signing her letter, as, "Mrs. Jane Smith," 
followed by the direction; or, if unmarried, 
the "Miss" should be placed in marks of par- 
enthesis preceding the signature. One 
should never sign her name as "Mrs." or 
"Miss." 

The formal manner of address in a note 
or letter written in the first person, is, "My 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 3? 

Dear Mrs. Brown;" the less formal is "Dear 
Mrs. Brown." To an intimate friend one 
may use either. "Dear Mary" is less for- 
mal than "My Dear Mary," and yet to one 
who is near, the real significance of the 
latter form is very sweet and full of tender 
meaning. However, there are no rigid laws 
to regulate the correspondence of friends. 

When a woman writes a personal note to 
a man, no matter how slight her acquaint- 
ance may be with him, it should begin "My 
Dear Mr. Brown." 

Ordinary social correspondence, when 
forwarded by the hand of an adult socially 
equal with the sender, should not be sealed. 
If, for some reason, a letter must be sealed, 
then the post or some other method of 
letter conveyance should be used. 

The form ' 'Addressed' ' on an envelope is 
merely the relic of an old legal form that 
has no especial significance nowadays, but 
is put on the envelope as a matter of 
courtesy. It means that the contents of 
the envelope are for the person whose 
name is written on the outside. It is very 
seldom used, and is quite superfluous. 

Only letters of unmarried women and 
widows are addressed with their baptismal 
names. All letters of married women should 
bear their husband's names; as, "Mrs. John 
Howe." 



38 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Writing on the first, then on the third, 
then crosswise on the second and fourth 
pages of a letter, facilitates the reading and 
is in perfectly good form. 

It is very bad taste for a doctor's wife to 
assume his title. An invitation addressed 
to them should read "Dr. and Mrs. Jones." 

One should not write "Mrs. John Brown, 
nee Lottie Smith," because one is not born 
with a Christian name; instead, one would 
write "Mrs. John Brown, nee Smith." 

The use of perfumed stationery is not 
general, nor is it in good taste. 

Any letter of congratulation received, even 
though it be from a person with whom one 
has only a slight acquaintance, requires an 
answer. 

No matter how fond a young girl may 
feel of a man whom she has known for 
years, any letters, when trouble comes to 
his family, should be addressed to his wife 
and not to him. 

The fashion that obtains with reference 
to placing the date on a letter is to place it 
in the upper right-hand corner; on a note it 
is usually placed in the lower left-hand 
corner. 

A young girl who receives letters from a 
man at the post-office without the knowl- 
edge of her mother is doing something 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 39 

wrong, which in time she will certainly re- 
gret, and which, it is equally certain, will 
result in trouble. 

It is not in the best taste to write letters of 
friendship on the typewriter, but it will al- 
ways be excused in the busy woman. 

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 

letters of introduction are to be regarded 
as certificates of respectability and esteem, 
and should only be given by friends of the 
person introduced and to friends. They 
should be brief and carefully worded, inti- 
mating the mutual pleasure that one feels 
the acquaintance will confer, but not com- 
plimenting the bearer so openly that he 
will feel embarrassed in delivering the let- 
ter. Such letters are left unsealed. 

There is no greater insult than to treat a 
letter of introduction with indifference. A 
person thus introduced ought to be called 
upon at once, and shown any other little 
attention within one's power. In England 
letters of introduction are called ' 'tickets to 
soup. ' ' 

In England the party holding a letter of 
introduction never takes it himself, but 
sends it with his card. On the Continent 
the reverse is the fashion. In America the 
English custom prevails, though where a 
young man has a letter to one many years 



4o Practical etiquette. 

his senior or to one who is to aid him in 
some enterprise, he takes it himself at once. 
A letter of introduction should be some- 
what like the following: 

My Dear Mr. Barnes: 

This note will introduce to you my friend, Mr. 
Charles Smith, whom I know you will be as glad 
to meet as he will be glad to meet you. 

Mr. Smith is an old friend of mine, and any 
kindness you may be able to show him will be very 
much appreciated by me. 

Faithfully yours, 

Anna Martin White. 

Before giving a letter of introduction one 
should be certain that the persons intro- 
duced will be congenial to each other. Such 
a letter puts a certain obligation on the per- 
son to whom it is addressed: he will be 
obliged to show the bearer some attention 
and hospitality. It is, therefore, not right 
to make the demand of a friend unless one 
is certain that the acquaintanceship will 
compensate him for the trouble he may- 
take. 



CHAPTER III. 

Dinners, Luncheons, Breakfasts, Teas, 
Receptions, Dancing Parties, Cards, 
Parties, Weddings, Wedding 
Gifts, Wedding Anni- 
versaries. 



"Manners aim to facilitate life, to get rid of 
impediments." 

DINNERS.* 

A "dinner" is supposed to be an elaborate 
affair, with numerous courses and ample ser- 
vice, and is usually given at seven or eight 
o'clock in the evening. At a dinner the 
number of courses naturally varies according 
to the taste and financial condition of the 
hostess. (For arrangement of the table, see 
Chapter VI.) 

For a formal dinner the courses usually 
consist of soup, fish, a roast with one or 
more vegetables, a salad, an ice or icecream, 
cakes, bonbons, and black coffee. Olives 
and salted almonds, jellies, etc., generally 
appear in some of the courses. 

*In looking up any one point in this book, — as 
"dinners," for instance, — one will be obliged some- 
times to refer to more than one place. Chapter II., 
under "Notes of Invitation," and Chapter I., under 
its three different heads, contain more or less infor- 
mation concerning "dinners ; " which it seems diffi- 
cult to classify anymore closely than has been done. 



42 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Although the following really belongs 
under the head of ' 'The Table" and "Ser- 
vice at Table," a repetition here may not 
come amiss. 

The attendant places each dish, in suc- 
cession, before the host or hostess with the 
pile of plates. Each plate is supplied, taken 
by the attendant on a small salver, and set, 
from the left, before the guest. A second 
dish which belongs to the course is pre- 
sented at the left of the guest, who helps 
himself. As a rule the woman at the right 
of the host, or the eldest woman, should be 
served first. As soon as a course is finished, 
the plates are promptly removed, and the 
next course is served in the same way. 
Before the dessert is brought on, all crumbs 
should be brushed from the cloth. The 
finger bowls, which are brought in on a 
napkin on a dessert-plate and set at the left 
of the plate, are used by dipping the fingers 
in lightly and drying them on the napkin. 
They should be half full of warm water with 
a bit of lemon floating in it. When all 
have finished dessert, the hostess gives the 
signal, by pushing back her chair, that din- 
ner is ended, and the guests repair to the 
drawing-room, the oldest leading and the 
youngest following last, the men passing 
into the library or smoking-room. 

Seemingly, one should arrive at the house 
where one is invited to a dinner or a 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 



43 



luncheon at exactly the hour mentioned in 
the invitation; but the proper thing at a 
formal function is to get to the house ten 
minutes after the hour of the meal, and to 
be announced in the drawing-room five 
minutes later. 

The host, with the guest of honor, leads 
the way into the dining-room at a dinner; 
at a luncheon the hostess leads the way 
alone or with one of the guests. 

Fifteen minutes is the longest time re- 
quired to wait for a tardy guest when the 
dinner hour was understood, as it always 
should be. 

If the hostess thinks the visitor has no 
acquaintances in the room, she introduces 
her to two or three persons who are near 
her, and then, counting on her knowledge 
of the customs of society, she will feel quite 
sure that her guest will enjoy herself. 

A hostess should never reprove a servant 
before a guest, as it is unpleasant for all 
concerned, and by passing over the annoy- 
ance herself, it ma}' escape the attention of 
others. 

No accident must seem to distrub a hostess, 
no disappointment embarrass her. 

At formal dinner parties the servant who 
is detailed to attend to the wants of the men 
guests hands each one, as he leaves the 



44 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

dressing-room, an envelope containing a 
card bearing the name of the woman whom 
he is to take to dinner. 

LUNCHEONS. 

IyUncheons are usually given between the 
hours of one and two o'clock in the after- 
noon, and to them women only are invited. 
The menu is lighter than for a dinner, and 
generally consists of sherbets, oyster patties, 
scalloped oysters, sweet-breads, sandwiches, 
salads, ices, cheese sticks, fruit, ice cream, 
cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, olives, and 
black coffee, served in such number and 
order of courses as best suits the hostess. 

BREAKFASTS. 

The difference between a breakfast and a 
luncheon is very slight. On the invitation 
the word breakfast is used instead of lunch- 
eon, and the hour is earlier than for a lunch- 
eon. Also men and woman may meet to- 
gether for a breakfast, and therefore a few 
more solid courses are advisable. Other- 
wise one may be guided entirely in giving 
the entertainment by the rules which apply 
to a luncheon. 

TEAS. 

A tea is the simplest and easiest kind of 
an entertainment to give, for the only 
essential requisites for its success are prettily 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 45 

arranged receiving-rooms, with as many- 
flowers as one can afford; a gracious hostess, 
who stands during the hours of the function 
to receive her guests and is properly dressed 
in a becoming high-necked house dress; a 
few other women, who also receive in pretty 
dresses; and a dainty tea table, which may 
be presided over by a woman friend or two 
of the hostess. It is only necessary to serve 
a modest menu of tea, chocolate or bouillon, 
assorted sandwiches, fancy cakes, and bon- 
bons, The other factors to the tea's success 
are pleasant weather and well trained ser- 
vants, who may assist in serving the tea 
and are alert to open and close the door for 
the guests. 

At a formal function of any kind the guests 
leave their wraps in dressing-rooms, where 
one or more maids should be on hand to assist 
women in their dressing-room, and a man 
to perform the same services in the men's 
dressing-room; but at a small tea, where, as 
a rule, the guests do not remove their street 
wraps, it is only necessary to have a maid 
in the entrance hall to be ready, if called on, 
to do any service. 

It is not customary to offer refreshments 
to casual evening callers; but if one has a 
regular evening for receiving, she may have 
a tea table in the drawing-room, and serve 
tea, chocolate, sandwiches, cake, etc., as in 
entertaining on the afternoon of a "day." 



46 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

RECEPTIONS. 

On the day of the reception, the hostess, 
with her assistants, should receive the 
guests, standing at the door of the drawing- 
room. The refreshment tables should be 
spread in the dining-room, and prettily 
decorated with flowers, candles in candel- 
abra or candlesticks, dishes of bonbons and 
cakes, plates of sandwiches, and platters of 
salad. A bouillon urn may stand at one 
end of the table with cups, and coffee may 
be served from the other end. All that is 
necessary for the menu is bouillon, easily 
prepared in the house from canned bouillon, 
jellied tongue, chicken salad, and sand- 
wiches, ices and cake, fruit, and candies. 
Coffee and lemonade will suffice for bever- 
ages. If one can aflord to have a few pieces 
of music, so much the better. The musi- 
cians should play from some hidden nook. 
One or two servants in the dining-room, and 
one to open and shut the front door, will be 
all that is necessary. 

DANCING PARTIES. 

For the form of invitation refer to Chap- 
ter II. 

In selecting a company for a dancing 
party the hostess will naturally choose only 
those who dance, and she should see, as far 
as possible, that all the women are provided 
with partners. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 47 

It is better to dance first with one acquain- 
tance and then with another, rather than to 
make one's self conspicuous by giving a 
great number of dances to one man. 

A man gives the first and last dances to 
his partner of the evening. 

No man should invite a young woman to 
attend a dress affair without providing a 
carriage for her. When the party is small 
and informal, it is allowable to go on the 
street-cars. 

At the end of the dance, the man should 
offer his arm to his partner, and take at least 
one turn around the room before consigning 
her to her seat. 

A man who can dance, and will not, 
ought to remain away from a ball. 

If for any reason a girl should refuse to 
dance with one man, she should not accept 
another invitation for the same dance. 

An invitation to a ball may be asked for a 
friend who is a stranger in town, and has 
had no opportunity of making the acquain- 
tance of the one who gives the ball. 

A man should not ask a girl, to whom he 
has been introduced for the purpose of danc- 
ing with her, for more than two dances the 
same evening. 

CARD PARTIES. 

If given, prizes should be carefully chosen, 
so that they may be in good taste and 



48 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

desirable. The supper should be served at 
the card tables after the the playing is over. 
A large napkin should be spread on the top 
of each table, and the refreshments served 
in courses. 

WEDDINGS. 

For invitation forms see Chapter II. 

When a wedding takes place in a church 
that has but one entrance, the customary 
way for the bridal procession to enter is 
for the groom and best man to walk in just 
behind the minister, a little before the others, 
and to take their places at the altar; then 
the ushers enter, walking two by two; then 
the bridesmaids in the same order; then the 
maid of honor alone; and last the bride on 
her father's arm. The bride's family enter 
the church a few minutes before the minis- 
ter and the groom and bridal party. 

A bride goes up to the altar with her veil 
over her face, but comes down with it 
thrown back. It is the duty of the maid 
of honor to throw it back immediately after 
the ceremony is ended. 

When the bride's mother gives her away 
at a church ceremony, she usually walks up 
the aisle with the bride. After she has 
given her to the groom, she steps quietly 
and unescorted to the front pew, where she 
stays during the remainder of the service. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 49 

The bride may walk up the aisle with an 
attendant instead of with her mother, who 
in this case steps from her seat in the front 
pew to the chancel when the time comes 
for her to officiate, and steps back to her 
seat afterwards. 

The bride and the groom should stand at 
the wedding reception until they have re- 
ceived the congratulations of all present, 
then, together, they should walk into the 
room where the breakfast is to be served. 
The others follow as they please, with the 
exception of the parents on both sides. The 
groom's father usually escorts the bride's 
mother, and vice versa. 

It is not the custom for a bride to remove 
her gloves at the wedding. The inside 
seam of the ring finger of the glove should 
be ripped beforehand; and when the time 
comes for the ring to be put on, the bride 
merely slips off this glove finger, and puts 
it back again after the ring is on her finger. 

At no wedding service is it proper for the 
bride to enter the church alone. 

At a church or house wedding where the 
bride walks up the aisle with her sister 
acting as the maid of honor, instead of with 
a gentleman escort, she need not take the 
arm of her attendant, as both the ladies will 
look more graceful if walking separately. 
The maid of honor should carry a bouquet, 



50 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

and the bride a bouquet, prayer-book, or 
bible. 

At a home wedding the bride enters the 
.room on the arm of her father. With a 
'short dress she would not wear a veil. 

The wearing of gloves at an informal 
wedding is entirely a matter of taste. 
Recently at several large weddings they 
were omitted by the entire bridal party. 

The prettiest way to make an aisle for 
the bridal party at a house wedding is for 
four children to enter the room where the 
ceremony will be, just before the bridal 
party comes in, and separate the guests into 
two groups by stretching two pieces of 
white ribbon the length of the room. A 
child stands at each end of the two pieces 
of ribbon, holding it while the bridal party 
walks up between them, and during the seiv- 
ice. Ushers may hold the ribbons instead 
of the children, or the ends may be fastened 
around plants which are placed at the requi- 
site points. 

Where there is no side door through 
which the groom and best man may enter 
the room at a house wedding, they come in 
by the principal door just before the bridal 
party and just after the minister. 

It is not customary for the men at a wed- 
ding party to kiss the bride; that is a lib- 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 51 

erty taken only by the immediate members 
of the family. 

A bride, if she wishes, may omit the 
bridal veil, but she should then wear a 
dainty bonnet or picture hat. The ushers 
and best men are invited by the bride- 
groom. 

If the church wedding is a full dress one, 
followed by an evening reception, it is 
proper to wear an evening gown. If it is 
in the daytime, a handsome visiting dress 
and pretty bonnet are proper. 

At a daytime w T edding the guests seldom 
remove their bonnets, although, of course, 
heavy wraps are frequently laid aside. At 
an evening affair one goes in full dress with- 
out anything on one's head. The ushers 
present the guests to the bridal party. The 
bridesmaids are spoken to by the people 
they know, but it is not necessary that they 
should be addressed by everybody. 

A bride may wear her wedding dress 
after her wedding day as much or as little 
as she chooses. For the sake of sentiment 
many brides like to preserve their wedding 
dresses intact to hand down to future gen- 
erations; but a girl who has to consider 
economy cannot afford to consider senti- 
ment, and often the wedding dress is con- 
verted into a low dinner and evening gown 
soon after the wedding day. A bride may, 



52 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

with perfect propriety, wear her wedding 
dress to the reception given her after her 
wedding by the groom's mother. Of course, 
she will wear it just as it was when she was 
married, high in the neck, unless the recep- 
tion takes place in the evening and demands 
evening dress, when, according to the con- 
ventions, it must be cut low. 

A bridegroom is always expected to fur- 
nish the bouquets that the bride, brides- 
maids, and all the bride's attendants carry 
at the wedding. He should learn from the 
bride the flowers she wishes, and should 
order them several days before the wed- 
ding, so that they may be ready at the 
bride's house when the bridesmaids meet 
there to go together to the church or to the 
place where the ceremony is held. 

Besides furnishing these bouquets, the 
groom provides the ushers and best men 
with their boutonnieres ■, and gives them also 
some small souvenir, and, if he wishes, a 
bachelor dinner or supper a day or two be- 
fore the wedding. 

There are no wedding luncheons nowa- 
days. Every entertainment of the kind up 
to two o'clock is called a breakfast, and 
when it takes place in the afternoon or 
evening it is called a reception. 
WEDDING GIFTS. 

The idea that a wedding invitation neces- 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 53 

sitates a present has, sensibly enough, gone 
out of fashion, and only those who are 
bound by ties of blood or close friendship 
have the privilege of sending a gift to the 
bride. 

Presents should be sent as soon after re- 
ceiving the invitations as possible. All wed- 
ding gifts, even from friends of the groom 
who may never have met the bride, are sent 
to the bride; and, if marked, they should 
be engraved with the initials or monogram 
of the bride's maiden name, or they may 
have her name in full. 

Wedding presents should be acknowl- 
edged by the bride- elect in a short personal 
note, which should be written and sent im- 
mediately on receipt of the present. 

When several friends combine in giving a 
present to the bride, she should write a let- 
ter of thanks to each one separately, send- 
ing the letters by post. 

It is perfectly proper to open a gift in the 
presence of the giver, and express one's 
pleasure and gratitude on the spot. Indeed, 
it is much better form to do so than to wait 
until the giver has gone. 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 

The paper wedding, so termed, is cele- 
brated one year after marriage. Invitations 
should be be issued on heavy gray paper or 



54 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

thin card-board. Presents may consist of 
any article made of paper or papier machi; 
such, for instance, as books, engravings, 
etc. 

The wooden wedding is celebrated five 
years after marriage. Invitations may be 
issued upon wooden cards, or wooden cards 
may be inclosed with an invitation written 
or engraved upon a sheet of wedding note 
paper. The presents may be anything 
made of wood, from a mustard spoon to a 
house or set of furniture. 

The tin wedding comes ten years after 
marriage- Invitation cards are sometimes 
covered with tin foil, or tin cards are in- 
closed, or, if preferred, the invitation is 
printed on tin bronze paper. Presents 
should consist of articles made of tin. 

The crystal wedding, fifteen years after 
marriage, is next in order. Cards may be 
issued upon transparent paper, or upon 
note paper with a card of isinglass inclosed. 

The china wedding takes place twenty 
years after marriage. Semi-transparent 
cardboard will answer for the invitations. 

The silver wedding is celebrated on the 
twenty-fifth anniversary, and is generally an 
occasion of much more importance than any 
of the foregoing anniversaries. The invi- 
tations may be printed on silver paper, and 
the presents are, of course, articles of silver. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 55 

The golden wedding, celebrated on the 
fiftieth anniversary of the marriage, may be 
said to be the one in which the young do 
homage to the old. It should be conducted 
by the near relatives or friends of the 
couple, and the occasion should be made 
one of retrospect, of encouragement, and of 
congratulation. The invitations should be 
on white paper in gold letters, and the 
presents should be of gold. 

At each of these anniversaries it is 
customary to have the marriage ceremony 
re-performed, and all arrangements for the 
celebration are made in about the same 
manner as for the first marriage. 




CHAPTER IV. 
Conversation, Chaperonage, Mar- 
riage, Domestic Etiquette 
and Duties. 



"Manners are not idle, but are the fruit of 
noble natures and of loyal minds." 

CONVERSATION. 

The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to 
say that the secret of being agreeable in 
conversation was to be honorable to the 
ideas of others. He affirmed that some 
people only half listened to you, because 
they were considering, even while you 
spoke, with what fine words, what wealth 
of wit, they should reply, and they began 
to speak almost before your sentence had 
died upon your lips. These people, he said, 
might be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but 
never could they be agreeable. You do not 
love to talk to them. You feel that they 
are impatient for their turn to come, and 
that they have no hospitality towards your 
thoughts — none of that gentle friendliness 
which asks your idea and makes much of it. 
This want of hospitality to other people's 
ideas often has its root in egotism, but it is 
equally apt to be the growth of a secret 

56 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 57 

want of self-confidence, a fear that one will 
not be ready to take one's own part well , — an 
uneasy self-consciousness which makes real 
sympathetic attention to the ideas of others 
impossible. 

Agreeability, readiness in conversation, 
tact and graciousness of manner are great 
aids to popularity. To possess these quali- 
ties one must have marked consideration for 
others, and be ever ready to manifest it. 
One should also be ready to recall faces and 
names. 

Though one has but few facts and ideas 
to draw upon, she may still, by making suf- 
ficient effort, become a fair conversational- 
ist. If one despair in this direction, she 
may at least train herself to become an in- 
teresting listener, and she will be surprised 
to find how popular she will be; for three- 
quarters of the world like to talk, while to 
listen intelligently is a great talent. The 
good listener, by her evident interest in, and 
sympathetic attention to, the matter of con- 
versation, brings out all that is best in the 
one with whom she talks. Diffident people 
forget their shyness in her presence, and 
leave her with the comfortable and novel 
conviction that they have, after all, ac- 
quitted themselves rather well. 

No well-bred person would be guilty of 
the gross rudeness of picking up a book or 



58 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

magazine and "looking through" it while 
pretending to pay heed to the talk of a 
friend. The assurance, "I am only looking 
at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, 
and I hear every word you say," is no palli- 
ation of the offence. The speaker would be 
justified in refusing to continue the con- 
versation until the pictures had been prop- 
erly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, 
it is worthy of respectful and earnest atten- 
tion. 

No one should ever monopolize the con- 
versation, unless he wishes to win for him- 
self the name of a bore. 

A well-educated and finely cultured per- 
son proclaims himself by the simplicity and 
terseness of his language. 

In conversation all provincialisms, affecta- 
tions of foreign accents, mannerisms, exag- 
gerations, and slang are detestable. 

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill- 
breeding as is the perpetual smile, the 
wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half- 
open mouth of the man who is preparing to 
break in upon the conversation. 

Interruption of the speech of others is a 
great sin against good breeding. 

Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced 
into a conversation, lest they become stale. 
Repartee must be indulged in with moder- 
ation. Puns are considered vulgar by many. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 59 

In addressing persons with titles, one 
ought always to add the name; as, "What 
do you think, Doctor Graves?" not, "What 
do you think, Doctor?" 

The great secret of talking well is to 
adapt one's conversation skillfully to the 
hearers. 

In a tHe-a-tHe conversation, it is ex- 
tremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whis- 
per, or to converse on private matters. 

One should never try to hide the lips in 
talking by putting up the hand or a fan. 

One should avoid long conversations in 
society with members of his own family. 

If an unfinished conversation is continued 
after the entrance of a visitor, its import 
should be explained to him. 

Though bores find their account in speak- 
ing ill or well of themselves, it is the char- 
acteristic of a gentleman that he never 
speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says: 
"The great charm of conversation consists 
less in the display of one's own wit and 
intelligence than in the power to draw forth 
the resources of others; he who leaves one 
after along conversation, pleased with him- 
self and the part he has taken in the dis- 
course, will be the other's warmest admirer. ' ' 

In society the absent-minded man is 
uncivil. 



60 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

There are many persons who commence 
speaking before they know what they are 
going to say. The ill-natured world, which 
never misses an opportunity of being severe, 
declares them to be foolish and destitute of 
brains. 

He who knows the world, will not be too 
bashful; he who knows himself, will not be 
imprudent . 

There is no surer sign of vulgarity than 
the perpetual boasting of fine things at 
home. 

One should be careful how freely he 
offers advice. 

If one keeps silent sometimes upon sub- 
jects of which he is known to be a judge, 
his silence, when from ignorance, will not 
discover him. 

One should not argue a point when it is 
possible to avoid it, but when he does argue > 
he should do so in a gentlemanly and dis- 
passionate manner. 

One should never notice any mistakes in 
the language of others. 

CHAPERONAGE. j 

The foreign custom that makes a chape- 
rone indispensable where young people are 
gathered together at places of public enter- 
tainment, has long obtained in the cities of 
the East, and in all conventional com- 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 61 

munities everywhere. No really fashionable 
party is made up without a chaperone. 

A young woman condemns herself in the 
eyes of good society who is observed to 
enter alone with a young man a place of 
public refreshment, be the restaurant or tea 
room ever so select. Bred under other con- 
ditions of a society so necessarily varying as 
that in our broad America, a stranger visit- 
ing New York, for instance, might readily 
and innocently make a mistake of this 
nature, and blush at finding herself con- 
demned for it. In the same category of 
offenses is ranked that of maidens visiting 
places of public amusement under the escort 
of young men alone. Many parts of the 
South and West allow this to be done with 
the smiling consent of good society; but in 
Eastern cities it is considered a violation of 
good form, and for the comfort, if not the 
convenience, of the girl considering it, had 
better be ranked among the lost privileges 
upon which social evolution may look back 
with fond regret. 

It is always wisest, when a number of 
young people are to have a party, to ask two 
or three married women to be present, not 
only for propriety's sake, but because there 
will then be no danger of any thing unwished 
for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of 
the chaperones to make all social entertain- 
ments smooth and pleasant. 



62 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

When it is necessary for a girl to pay long 
visits to a dentist's office, she should be 
accompanied either by her mother, or some 
woman relative, or maid. 

The etiquette of chaperonage is much less 
strict for a young widow than for an un- 
married girl of the same age; but it is im- 
portant and in good taste for a woman who 
is a widow to be very quiet and incon- 
spicuous in all she does, giving by her be- 
havior no opportunity for criticism. 

MARRIAGE. 

A young girl's own safety, as regards her 
present and future happiness, demands that 
she receive attentions from only the best of 
young men, — those of whom her reason 
would approve, if the acquaintance should 
lead to more than acquaintance. 

Parents should carefully watch the young 
men who frequent their houses, in order to 
see that undesirable intimacies are not 
formed with their daughters, for friendships 
and intimacies soon lead to love. 

Many a girl, feeling convinced that she had 
loved unwisely, has entered upon the mar- 
ried state with heart and reason at variance, 
when she might have given up the acquain- 
tance, in the beginning of it, very easily. 

The most perfect reserve in courtship, 
even in cases of the most ardent attachment, 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 63 

is indispensable to the confidence and trust 
of married life to come. 

All public display of devotion should be 
avoided, for it tends to lessen mutual respect, 
and it makes the actors ridiculous in the 
eyes or others. It is quite possible for a 
man to show every conceivable attention to 
the one to whom he is engaged, and yet to 
avoid committing the slightest offence 
against delicacy or good taste. 

It is quite possible for a man to show 
attention, and even assiduity up to a certain 
point, without becoming a lover; and it is 
equally possible for the girl to let it be seen 
that he is not disagreeable to her, without 
actually encouraging him. No man likes 
to be refused, and no man of tact will risk 
a refusal. 

Long engagements are usually entered 
into by people who are quite young, but 
who, for some reason, cannot marry. As 
the years go on their tastes may change, 
and yet each may feel that honor binds the 
one to the other. The woman chosen by a 
man when he is twenty-one is seldom the 
woman he would chose when he is forty. 
When people marry young they grow 
accustomed to each other, and, oddly 
enough, they grow to be alike; but during 
a long engagement their tastes are apt to 
change, and the result is apt to be anything 



64 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

but a happy one. Of course, there are ex- 
ceptions, but, generalizing, the long 
engagement is to be feared. 

DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 

Etiquette is a comprehensive term, and its 
observances are nowhere more to be desired 
than in the domestic circle. 

If husbands and wives, generally, would 
render each other half of the little attentions 
they lavished upon each other before mar- 
riage, their mutual happiness would be 
more than doubled. 

A wife should never let her husband have 
cause to complain that she is more agreeable 
abroad than; at home, nor see her negligent of 
dress and manners at home when it is the 
reverse in company. 

If, unhappily, any misunderstandings or 
annoyances occur between husband and 
wife, it is ill-bred and unjust for either to 
repeat them to a third person. 

Faithful unto death in all things should 
be the motto of both husband and wife; and 
forbearance with each other's peculiarities, 
their never-ending effort to attain. 

If a girl discovers very soon after her 
marriage that she has made a mistake, it is 
wisest for her to make the best of it; she 
should look for all that is good in her hus- 
band and try to forget that which she dis- 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 65 

likes. There are times when a legal sepa- 
ration is necessary, but when people marry 
they marry for better or for worse, and if, 
unfortunately, it should be for worse, even 
that does not release them from the solemn 
vows which they have taken. 

It is not in good taste for a husband and 
wife to call each other by endearing names 
in the presence of others. 

A man has no right whatever to open his 
wife's mail, but a woman should not receive 
any letters that she would not be willing 
that her husband should see. 



CHAPTER V. 

Dress, Gloves, Street Etiquette, 
Traveling, Bicycling, Tele- 
phoning. 



"Refinement of character is said never to 
be found with vulgarity of dress." 

DRESS. 

In appropriateness our people have some- 
thing to learn, as has the whole world, for 
that matter. Necklaces and jewels in the 
morning are monstrous, no matter what the 
fashion of the moment may be, and there 
will come a time when every one will look 
upon them with horror, as every one, in- 
deed, used to do. 

The day is past when latitude or great 
variety in dress is considered original. 
Clothes, if they are startling at all, must be 
startling in a degree to be borne. A train 
cannot be worn where only a short skirt is 
in order, nor can an abbreviated drapery go 
where full dress is required. A garden 
party, for instance, or an out-of-door tea at 
a private house demands a muslin, a silk, 
or, at any rate, an elaborate toilet, while at 
a golf club, such dress is absurd, except for 
the elderly or non-players. In winter, frills 

66 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 67 

and furbelows, if they are worn at all, are 
worn at large teas, trie plain tailor-made 
suit having gone out for such purposes. 
However, it is difficult to follow the vaga- 
ries of fashion in these regards. 

For morning wear, no dress can be too 
simple. L,uncheons are growing more and 
more informal. When distances are great, 
however, and one dresses for calls in the 
part of town where the luncheon is, after- 
ward, more elaborateness of dress is al- 
lowed. 

The best advice to all girls upon the sub- 
ject must be, not to be overdressed, nor yet 
to be careless in the matter. They should 
attire themselves according to their circum- 
stances, and should, above all things, avoid 
all extremes of fashion , as well as all eccen- 
tricities of style. 

Only quiet colors should be worn either 
to church or on the street, and wherever 
girls go they should endeavor to be uncon- 
scious of their personal appearance. 

The woman who is overdressed at an 
afternoon reception is much more uncom- 
fortable than she who is gowned with the 
simplicity of a Quaker. A well fitting wool 
gown, a becoming bonnet, a fresh pair of 
gloves, and one is suitably dressed as a 
caller. 

A girl of fourteen should not wear her 



68 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

hair done up, and her gown should come 
just below her ankles. 

It is not in good taste for a young girl to 
wear diamond rings; if she is fortunate 
enough to possess them, let her keep them 
carefully until she is older, and then she 
may wear them with perfect propriety. 

It is in very bad taste to wear a dressing- 
sacque when breakfasting in a public din- 
ing-room of a hotel. Such an undress 
costume is only permissible in one's own 
room. 

A frock coat is, under no circumstances, 
a correct garment for a man to wear at an 
evening dance, neither is a Tuxedo or din- 
ner coat. The proper dress is a full dress 
suit, with white vest and white string tie. 
Possibly a dinner coat might be allowable 
at a very small and very informal dance, 
but a frock coat never. 

A man should wear a white tie with a 
dress suit at any large formal entertainment, 
such as a ball, the opera, a wedding reception, 
a large dinner party, etc. , and on all occasions 
where he wears a white waistcoat. He should 
wear a black tie at the theater, at a small 
dinner, in calling, and at home with his 
dinner coat. 

Evening dress may be as gay as one 
chooses to make it, though extremes are 
not desirable. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 69 

Dresses made a suitable length for walk- 
ing are much more appropriate for the street 
than those that are so long that their wearers 
become street cleaners. 

Neatness in a lady's dress is one of the 
first requisites. 

To dress well requires good taste, good 
sense, and refinement. 

The most appropriate and becoming dress 
is that which so harmonizes with the figure 
that the apparel is unobserved. 

A hostess should be careful not to out- 
dress her guests. 

When going out one should consider the 
sort of company she is likely to meet, and 
should dress accordingly. 

The idea that "dress makes the man" is 
a very false one, but a man does make, or 
select, rather, his dress, and is judged some- 
what in accordance with that selection. 

At a five o'clock church wedding the 
groom, best man, and ushers all dress as 
nearly as possible alike. The proper cos- 
tume or suit is a black frock coat, gray 
trousers, black or fancy vesting waist coat, 
white tie, glace gloves, patent leather boots, 
and a tall hat. 

GLOVES. 

A young woman should of course wear 
gloves with a full evening dress to any kind 
of an evening entertainment. 



70 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

On taking one's seat at a dinner table of 
a card table one may remove one's gloves, 
but not until then; and at the theater or 
opera, gloves should be worn throughout 
the performance and during the evening, 

A man wears light or white kid gloves to 
the opera, dances, a reception, or any other 
formal evening entertainment, except a 
dinner. 

It is usual to remove one's gloves when 
eating supper at an evening affair, unless 
merely a cup of bouillon or an ice may be 
chosen, and then there would be no impro- 
priety in keeping on one's gloves. 

A man wears gloves when calling, and 
removes them just before or just after en- 
tering the parlor. Tan gloves may be worn 
at all hours of the day; white or pearl 
ones are proper in the evening, when calling, 
or at any place of amusement. 

No matter how long one's gloves are, they 
should be entirely taken off at supper, and 
be resumed again upon returning to the 
drawing-room or after using the finger 
bowls, and before arising from the feast. 

To wear gloves while playing cards is an 
affectation of elegance. 

STREET ETIQUETTE. 

A man offers his right arm, if either, to a 
woman on the street (also in the house), 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 71 

that she may have her right hand free for 
holding her parasol or guiding her train. 
Both common sense and gallantry assign the 
woman's place where it is for her greatest 
convenience, and that is, undeniably, on the 
right of the man. 

The rule for giving the left arm was 
held good in those days when it was neces- 
sary for men to pass, to the left, thus keep- 
ing the sword-arm free for self -protection or 
for the protection of the women, but now 
the passing is all to the right. 

In walking with a woman a man chooses 
the outer side without any regard as to its 
being either the right or the left. In walk- 
ing with two women he chooses the outer 
side also, and never walks between them. 

A man walking with a woman returns a 
bow made to her, lifting his hat, although 
the one bowing is a stranger to him. 

Ladies do not talk or call across the street. 

Men should not smoke when driving or 
walking with women, nor on promenades 
much frequented, where they cannot remove 
the cigar from the mouth whenever meeting 
a woman. 

One should never stare at another. 

A man when meeting a woman who is 
walking and with whom he wishes to con- 
verse, does not allow her to stand while 
talking, but turns and walks with her. 



72 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

A man cannot refuse to return the bow of 
any respectable woman. If he does not 
wish to recognize her he must avoid her. 

It is much less rude for women to return 
a recognition coldly, and upon the next 
occasion to turn away or to avoid a meeting, 
than to give a "cut direct." 

A man precedes a woman in passing 
through a crowd; but women precede men 
under ordinary circumstances. 

It is not proper for a young girl to walk 
alone with a young man after dark, unless 
she is engaged to him or he is a near relative 
of hers. A young woman should meet a 
young man with whom she has only a slight 
acquaintance under her father's or a proper 
guardian's roof. When he has become well 
acquainted with her and her family or 
friends, she may take occasional walks with 
him alone in the afternoon, but never in the 
evening. 

When two women meet in a door-way, 
the younger gives precedence to the elder. 

A man does not first offer to shake hands 
with a woman unless he is very well 
acquainted with her. 

When it becomes necessary for one to 
address a man or woman whose name one 
does not know, it should be as "Sir" or 
"Madam." 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 73 

It is very bad taste for young women to 
eat candy during a theatrical performance, 
or, indeed, in any public place. 

TRAVELING. 

One can travel all over the United States 
alone, and if she conducts herself quietly, 
and as a lady should, she will receive all 
due respect. At the same time it is perhaps 
a little wiser to have a friend with one, or 
even, if that is not possible, to be put in 
the care of some one who is making the same 
journey. 

When a young woman is traveling alone 
and is obliged to stay at a hotel, she is 
shown to a reception room and sends for a 
clerk to come to her. After the business 
arrangements are made, she either gives 
him a card or tells him her name, and he 
registers for her. There is no reason why 
she should go into a public room or register 
herself. 

It is not customary, unless one is with- 
out luggage, to pay in advance at a hotel. 

Fees are usually given on leaving the 
steamer to the steward or stewardess, deck 
steward, head waiter, waiter of the particu- 
lar table at which one has taken his meals, 
and any other servants who have made 
themselves useful to him during the voyage. 
The amount of the fees depends on the 



74 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

amount of the service that has been re- 
quired, varying from $1 to $5 for each. 
Living in lodgings abroad is much cheaper 
than living in hotels, and in most of the 
large cities such accommodations may be 
had at reasonable rates, and are very com- 
fortable. The prices for lodging vary ac- 
cording to location, etc. A steamer trunk 
should suffice for a traveler who makes 
a short trip abroad and intends to spend 
all his time traveling and sight-seeing. 
Money for a short trip can be carried 
on the person, in a belt, or a pocket 
hung about the neck. For a trip of some 
length a letter of credit is more convenient, 
and can be obtained from any banking-house 
having foreign connections. In some 
countries traveling in the second-class car- 
riages is very comfortable; in others it is 
not. In Italy a traveler can be comfortable 
only by traveling first-class; in France 
second-class is not bad; and in Germany 
and Great Britian it is perfectly comfor- 
table, and preferable to first-class in many 
respects. 

A rush and scramble at a railway ticket 
office is only carried on by ill-bred peo- 
ple, or by those who appear so at the time. 

If a woman offers to seat herself beside 
a man, he should rise at once and give her 
the choice of seats. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 75 

No real gentlemen would be unmindful 
of the comfort and convenience of women, 
while traveling, from a selfish motive. 

In the cars one has no right to keep a 
window open, if the current of air thus 
produced annoys another. 

A woman should always be careful to 
thank a person for any little attention he 
may bestow upon her while traveling. 

BICYCLING. 

As to rules of politeness for bicyclers, one 
who is a true lady will show herself to be 
one as surely when riding a wheel as at any 
other time, not only by her costume, which 
will be unobtrusive in color, cut, and adjust- 
ment, but by her manner, which will be 
even more quiet and self-possessed than 
usual, as she well knows that by mounting 
a wheel she makes herself more or less con- 
spicuous. It goes without saying that she 
will not ride fast enough to attract undue 
attention; that she will not chew gum; and 
that she will not allow advances from strang- 
ers, who may, like herself, be on a wheel, 
and, to all appearances, may be gentlemen. 
Neither will she ride off alone after dark, 
nor take long rides in the evening attended 
only by an escort. In the daytime, when 
out only with a man friend, she will avoid 
stopping to rest under the trees and in out of 



76 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

the way places. Too much care cannot be 
taken, especially by young girls, as to ap- 
pearances. Their very innocence and ignor- 
ance lays them open to criticism. 

TELEPHONING. j 

For the benefit of those who but seldom 
make use of the telephone, and consequently 
feel more or less ill at ease when attempting 
to use one, and also for those who, from ignor- 
ance of the first laws of politeness, or who, 
from thoughtlessness, ignore them, a few 
hints upon the subject may not come amiss. 
It is after having called up "Central," and 
been given the number requested, that one 
often stands in need of no small amount of tact 
and good breeding, as well as of some idea of 
the best method of procedure. When there 
are several different persons using the same 
line, two or three of them may mistake the 
call for theirs, and all rush to the telephone 
at once. If at all stupid, or lacking in 
politeness, they will make it quite unpleas- 
ant for each other. The one entitled to 
speak should politely inquire for the one 
for whom she has called at the telephone, 
also giving her own name as the one deliver- 
ing the message. If this does not suffice 
to enlighten those who sometimes keep 
calling "hello," "hello," without waiting 
to learn if they are the ones desired, the 
one talking should again announce her- 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 77 

self, and the name of the one to whom she 
wishes to speak. Then, occasionally, even 
while in the midst of a conversation, 
some one will break in with a* 'Hello!" 
"Who is it?" "What do you want?" etc., 
which is quite distracting. If one can gain 
a hearing in no other way, it is well to say: 
1 'Excuse me, I hold the line." If this does 
not bring order out of chaos, one should 
ring off and call again. 

One should be careful not to call up 
friends at inconvenient hours, and when one 
is notified by a servant, or otherwise, that 
someone, the name being given, is at the 
telephone wishing to speak with her, she 
should certainly be as expeditious as possi- 
ble in replying; for, by holding the wire, 
she is inconveniencing others, as well as the 
one who is waiting for her. No lady needs 
to be warned against speaking discourte- 
ously under any circumstances to the tele- 
phone assistants at the central office. It is 
in these little things that one shows herself 
to be well-bred or not. 

None, of course, but the most informal of 
invitations can be delivered by telephone. 

Servants should be taught always to answer 
the telephone politely and intelligently. 
When answering, a servant should say 
whose residence it is, if asked, not by giv- 
ing the family name, as "Smith," but as 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

"Mr. Smith," and then, if asked who is at 
the instrument, she should reply, "Mrs. 
Smith's cook" or "maid." 

One's individual manners, and ordinary 
polite or impolite forms of address, are very 
noticeable when accentuated by the tele- 
phone. 



CHAPTER VI. 

The Table and Service at Table, 
Habits at Table, Servants 

and Serving. i 



"God may forgive sins, but awkwardness 
has no forgiveness in Heaven or earth." — 
Hawthorne. 

THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE. 

The table looks best when not over-deco- 
rated. The housekeeper who cannot make 
changes in her table decoration finds that a 
mirror centerpiece is a background that 
multiplies the beauty of her flowers, fruit, 
leaves, or whatever may constitute the 
decoration. 

A unique and effective decoration for a 
luncheon table is made of long, narrow bou- 
quets of white carnations, tied with bows of 
yellow satin ribbon, and arranged so that 
the ribbons all meet in the center of the 
table, while the points are directed towards 
the guests. The effect is of a great golden- 
hearted daisy. 

A pretty conceit for decorating a dainty 
table is to cluster a number of small palms to- 
gether in the center of the table. Around 
these place small ferns, while beyond the 



80 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

latter arrange yards of smilax so as to con- 
ceal the pots. Outside of all have a flat 
border composed of loose bunches of pinks, 
roses, and maiden-hair ferns. Tie these with 
wide pink satin ribbons, a long end of which 
should extend from each bouquet down to 
the place of each of the women guests, and 
have her name painted in gold upon it. 
Then there should be boutonnieres of pink 
carnations for the men. 

Menu cards are not ordinarily used at any 
but the most formal kind of an entertain- 
ment. They are always seen at large func- 
tions, men's public dinners, etc., which are 
usually given in a hotel or restaurant; but 
in a private house individual menu cards, 
whether at a dinner or a luncheon, are ex- 
ceptional. 

When the dinner is large and formal, or 
even when it numbers only eight or ten, it 
is wise to have small cards with the names 
of the guests at each place at the table, 
and, if the guests are strangers to each 
other, to have a tray in the men's dressing- 
room or hall where they remove their coats 
and hats with tiny envelopes addressed to 
each, containing little cards on which is 
written the name of the dinner partner. The 
hostess must see that, as soon as two dinner 
partners are in the receiving room before 
dinner, they meet each other, and have a 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 81 

chance for a little conversation before the 
meal is announced; and she should also 
make a point to introduce each woman be- 
fore dinner to the man who is to sit on the 
other side of her. 

Introductions are not proper at the table, 
and at a large dinner it is awkward to in- 
troduce all one's guests to each other before 
the meal. At a small dinner, of course, it 
is not necessary to observe all this formality, 
and the hostess may introduce her guests 
to each other without much ceremony, when 
the company numbers only four or six; but 
with more, each woman should be provided 
with a partner who escorts her to the table. 
At a small function there need be but a 
few minutes of waiting before the guests 
are all seated. The guest of honor sits at the 
right of the host. 

As to the manner of arranging the table, 
there is some difference of opinion. How- 
ever, generally speaking, there should be a 
napkin, squarely folded, in front of each 
guest, and at the left of it the forks, /. e. } 
a fish fork and a large and a small ordinary 
fork. At the right of the napkin should be 
the knives and spoons, a glass, bread-and- 
butter plate (if used), and a salt cellar; and 
in the center of the table on an embroidered 
centerpiece or circular mirror, the floral 
decorations. At the head of the table, upon 



82 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

an embroidered square, are laid the tea ser- 
vice, — the urn, the cups and saucers, the 
cream pitcher, sugar bowl, etc.; at the other 
end are placed the dishes for serving. Scat- 
tered about on circular doilies are the dishes 
of jelly, preserves, pickles (sweet and sour), 
olives, salted almonds, etc. 

Chafing-dishes are used to prepare such 
dishes as terrapin, oysters, or whatever may 
be cooked absolutely on the table. A nap- 
kin and plate, or tray, is best liked for 
removing crumbs. 

Finger bowls should always follow the 
last course at formal and informal meals 
alike, except at breakfast, when, if fruit is 
the first course, the finger-bowl is put on 
the table when the covers are laid ready for 
the fruit course. 

Spoon-holders are no longer used, but if 
one should be fancied it would be better to 
put the bowl of the spoon in the holder first. 

Unless one serves something more than 
wafers, small cakes, tea, and chocolate on 
an "at home" day, napkins are not neces- 
sary; if, however, there is some dish that 
will soil the fingers or the lips, then there 
should be a pile of small napkins on the tea- 
table. 

Tooth-picks should not be put on the 
table, nor should they be used outside one's 
own room. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 83 

It is not necessary to fold one's napkin 
when only one meal is to be eaten in the 
house in which one is staying. 

The day for tying cakes, sandwiches, etc., 
with ribbons has passed. 

The waitress should stand with a tray in 
her hand behind the host's chair to receive 
each plate as it is filled, passing it to the 
left of the guest, and waiting for him to re- 
move it. When the hostess is pouring tea 
or coffee, the maid's place is by her 
left side in wating for the cups. After 
that she should be on the alert to see when 
the glasses need filling, or when there is 
bread, pickles, or anything to be passed. 
When removing the plates it should be from 
the right side of the guest, but everything 
should be offered at the left that the right 
hand may be used to receive it. 

When a dish is passed and there is no 
maid in attendance, one should help him- 
self and pass it on. If a dish is standing 
near one, under such circumstances, he may 
quite properly ask if he may help himself, 
and do so. 

When a plate is passed for a helping, the 
knife and fork are laid well to the side of 
the plate, so placed that they will not fall 
off, and yet not be in the way of the server. 

All the appurtenances of each course 
should be removed before the succeeding 



84 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

one is served. The bread-and-butter plates, 
however, should be removed before the salad 
course, as crackers and cheese are passed 
with this, the salad plate being used to hold 
all three things. 

The salted almonds should be started 
about the table by the hostess soon after the 
guests are seated. Some hostesses possess 
cut-glass or china individual dishes, on 
which the almonds are placed when the 
guest helps himself, but it is quite usual for 
them to be placed on the bread-and-butter 
plate. 

Bonbons should be passed by the maid 
when the coffee is served, and eaten from 
the plate from which the finger-bowl and 
doily have been removed. 

It is not important whether tumblers or 
goblets are used on the dinner- table; each 
season brings its own custom. 

The bread-and-butter plates at a formal 
dinner serve the purpose only of bread 
plates, as it is not customary to serve but- 
ter on such occasions. If it is used, how- 
ever, butter should be made into tiny balls, 
and one or two placed on each bread-and- 
butter plate. 

It is customary to put the vegetables 
served with the meat on the same plate. 
The use of individual dishes for vegetables 
is no longer approved. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 85 

Oranges are seldom served at dinner un- 
less they are specially prepared, that is, 
with the skin taken off, and the sections 
divided, in which case the fruit is eaten 
from a fork. 

Cheese and crackers of some sort are al- 
ways served with salad courses. 

At a formal dinner bouillon or consomme 
is usually served in soup-plates. At a sup- 
per or luncheon it is oftenest served in cups. 
The regulation cups are those having han- 
dles on each side. 

When oysters are served on the half-shell, 
they are usually placed upon the table be- 
for the meal is announced. 

It is not customary to serve fruit as a 
first course at dinner, though at a lunch it 
is quite proper. 

Grape-fruit must be served ice cold. It 
is served in two ways: either it is cut in 
halves, midway between the blossom and 
the stem end, the seeds removed, the pulp 
loosened with a sharp knife, but served 
in the natural skin, to be eaten with a 
spoon; or the pulp and seeds are entirely 
removed from the skin with a sharp knife, 
and the edible part only served in deep 
dessert plates. Pulverized sugar should 
accompany grape-fruit. 

In waiting upon plates, one should never 



86 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

pour gravy on the food, but place it at one 
side. 

The salad course at dinner always suc- 
ceeds the game course. 

After dinner coffee is served in small 
cups and without cream. In many houses 
rock-candy, crushed in very small pieces, is 
used as a substitute for sugar, the claim 
being made that it gives a purer sweetness. 

Cut sugar is served with coffee, and pow- 
dered sugar with fruit or oatmeal. 

Coffee may be served at the table or in 
the drawing-room as is best liked. People 
are not asked if they will have it; it is 
served to them. Only sugar is offered with 
black coffee. 

HABITS AT TABLE. 

Nothing indicates the good breeding of a 
man so much as his manners at table. 
There are a thousand little points to be ob- 
served, which, although not absolutely 
necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and 
well-bred man. A man may pass muster by 
dressing well, and may sustain himself tol- 
erably in conversation; but, if he is not 
nearly perfect in table etiquette, dining will 
betray him. 

Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, 
or coarseness of manner is especially offen- 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 87 

sive at table. People are more easily dis- 
gusted at that time than at any other. 

One should never rest the arms upon the 
table, but keep the left hand, when not in 
use, lying quietly in the lap. 

A man guest should never precede his 
hostess into or out of the dining-room, but 
should wait respectfully by the door for her 
to pass. 

A soup-plate should never be tilted for 
the last spoonful. 

The mouth should be kept closed in eat- 
ing, and as little noise made as possible. 

A goblet should be held by the stem, and 
not by the bowl. 

Bread should be broken and not cut be- 
fore buttering it to eat. 

A knife should never be used at table ex- 
cept where one is unable to cut his food 
with his fork; it should never be used in 
conveying food to the mouth. 

A knife should be held by its handle, and 
the finger not allowed to extend up on the 
blade. In eating with a fork it should be 
held in the right hand. 

The fork is generally used with the tines 
curving upward. 

Olives are eaten from the fingers; pickles, 
from a fork. It is usual to put either a 



88 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

small fork or a long-handled spoon with a 
small bowl on the dish containing olives 
or pickles, and one should use it in helping 
one's self. 

The tips of the fingers are put in the 
finger-bowls and may then moisten the 
lips. Both lips and finger tips are dried on 
the napkin, which is not afterwards folded. 

Watermelons are eaten with a fork, and 
cantaloupes with either a spoon or a fork. 

A baked potato should be eaten from the 
plate after it has been pushed out of its 
skin by the fork. 

Dried beef is eaten with a fork. 

Grape seeds may be removed from the 
mouth with the fingers. The seeds of 
watermelons should be taken from the fruit 
with a fork before the fruit is put into the 
mouth. 

Fish bones are taken from the mouth 
with the fingers. Care, however, is usually 
taken to leave as few bones as possible in 
the fish, since the general use of the silver 
knife with the silver fork has made it easy 
to separate the bones from the meat. 

Bananas are broken with a fork, and a 
piece is conveyed to the mouth on a fork. 

When a servant offers one a dish, he 
should help himself without taking it from 
her hand. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 89 

When drinking from a cup, the spoon 
should be left in the saucer, where it also 
remains when the cup is empty. 

It is not proper to eat gravy with bits of 
bread; instead, it should be regarded as a 
sauce, and simply eaten on the meat of 
which it forms a portion. 

It is decreed by custom that the small 
bones of any bird may be taken in the fin- 
gers, and the meat eaten from the bone. 
But this must always be done daintily. 

What is known as "layer cake" is eaten 
from a fork, and in serving it one uses 
either a pie- knife or a tablespoon and a 
fork. 

Cheese is eaten with a fork. 

After-dinner coffee is taken directly from 
the cup, and not from the spoon. 

Crackers should be eaten from the hand, 
and not be broken into soup. 

When bread is passed, one takes a slice 
as it is cut, and does not break it and leave 
a portion on the plate. Bread is always 
eaten from the fingers. 

Raw oysters are eaten with a small 
oyster- fork from the shell. In helping 
one's self to salt, the little salt-spoon is 
used, and the salt is placed on the plate. 

When strawberries are served with their 
stems on, one picks one up by the stem, 



90 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

dips it into the soft sugar at the side of the 
plate, and eats it from the stem. Bonbons 
are eaten from the fingers. If a spoon is in 
the dish from which they are served, then 
one uses it; if not, the fingers are proper. 

An apple or a pear may be held on a fork, 
and pared with a knife; or it may be quar- 
tered, and each quarter held in the fingers, 
and then pared. Dates are eaten from the 
fingers. 

When one answers "thank you" to an 
invitation to partake of a certain dish at the 
table, "yes" is meant. 

One should break a small piece of bread 
off the slice, then butter it and eat it. Only 
very small children in the nursery bite from 
a slice of buttered bread. 

One need not fear to take the last piece 
on the plate when it is offered. It would 
be more impolite to refuse it. 

It is very bad form to pile up, or in any 
way arrange the plates or small dishes put 
before one, for the benefit of the waiter. 
She should do her own work, which is to 
take away the plates without any help. 

When one wishes for bread, or anything 
of that sort, he should simply ask for it, 
either addressing his request to the servant 
or, if there is none, to whomever the bread 
may be nearest, if it is on the table. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 91 

Upon leaving the table, and the signal 
for leaving is given when the hostess rises, 
one's napkin should be placed upon the 
table unfolded, unless one is to remain for 
another meal. 

At a formal dinner party the host should 
enter the dining-room first and with the 
lady in whose honor the dinner is given; 
the hostess goes into the dining-room last 
with the most important man guest, who 
should be seated at her right. 

Where menus are used they should be 
placed on the left-hand side, beside the 
forks. When the dinner is over, at a sig- 
nal from the hostess, the women rise and re- 
tire to the drawing-room, where coffee is 
usually served, the men remaining in the 
dining-room for coffee and cigars. 

Five o'clock tea may be served in a vari- 
ety of ways : the hostess may brew it her- 
self in a teapot upon her tea-table in the 
parlor; she may make it by pouring boiling 
water over a tea- ball; or it may be served 
by either a man or maid servant in the din- 
ing-room. Its proper accompaniments are 
sugar, cream, sliced lemon, and either waf- 
ers, thin sandwiches, or cake. 

It is in better form to have a luncheon 
served at a large table, especially when the 
guests do not number more than twenty, 
than to have small tables. Two o'clock is 



92 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

the fashionable hour for a luncheon; after 
it is over the guests usually disperse. 

A host, in entertaining at a hotel or a res- 
taurant, even if he entertains only one 
woman, should, give the order for the meal 
himself, and save her the slight embarrass- 
ment it may be for her to make her own 
selection. The most courteous thing is for 
him to order the meal beforehand, but if 
the occasion is very informal and he prefers 
to wait until they are at the table, he 
should, after he and his guest are seated, 
hand the menu to her and ask if she has 
any especial preference, and then, respect- 
ing her wishes, give the order himself to 
the waiter. 

If, however, friends happen in, and are 
asked informally to stay to a meal at a 
hotel, they may order themselves what they 
want from the menu, and, if necessary, the 
host or hostess of the occasion may pay the 
bill before leaving the dining-room, but the 
bill should not be paid until the guests have 
departed. 

In giving one's order for dinner at the 
hotel, oysters come first, then soup, fish, a 
roast or a bird, ices, whatever dessert 
may be desired, and coffee. Very often a 
woman is well served, when she is alone, by 
allowing the waiter to arrange a dinner for 
her. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 93 

If the only guest at the family dinner- 
table is a man, he should not be served 
until all the ladies of the family have been 
attended to. 

If the hostess is the only woman at the 
table, she is served first, as a lady is of 
most importance from a social standpoint, 
and it is always proper to attend to her 
wants first. After her the man who is a 
visitor, or whose age gives him precedence, 
receives attention. 

The guest of honor at a tea arrives a little 
earlier than the other guests, and remains 
somewhat later, but at a luncheon or dinner 
she should appear at the regulation time. 
One should remove one's gloves at a lunch- 
eon, but the retaining of the hat is entirely 
a matter of personal taste. 

The inconsiderate guest who arrives late 
for luncheon or dinner is shown immedi- 
ately into the dining-room, and the hostess 
does not leave her guests, but simply rises 
and motions him to a seat when he enters 
the room. 

Ten minutes is the time usually allowed 
for each course where more than a six- 
course dinner is served. 

The correct and usual way of seating a 
bridal party at a wedding entertainment is 
for the groom to sit at one end of the table, 
and the bride at the other end, the best 



94 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

man on the bride's right, and the maid of 
honor or first bridemaid on the groom's 
right. The other bridemaids and ushers are 
placed wherever seems best. As a usual 
thing, the parents of the bride and groom 
do not sit at the same table with the imme- 
diate bridal party, but at another table, to- 
gether with the near relatives on both sides, 
and perhaps the minister who officiated at 
the wedding and his wife; but if it seems 
desirable to have the parents at the bridal 
table, it is perfectly proper to seat them 
there. 

There are certain distinctive features of a 
bridal table which must be in evidence. 
One is the wedding or bride's cake, and this 
cake should be the central ornament, and 
should be surrounded with a wreath of 
roses. The place-cards should have the in- 
itials of the bride and groom woven together 
for decoration, and the souvenirs may be 
small satin boxes containing wedding cake. 

SERVANTS AND SERVING. 

There is so much to say upon the subject 
of servants, notwithstanding so much has al- 
ready been said, it is difficult to know where 
to begin. But, in the first place, every 
woman should remember that servants are, 
like herself, human, and that in our free 
America, they are becoming very indepen- 
dent, not to say self-assertive. Thus a 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 95 

house mistress has no small matter to deal 
with when she demands obedience and re- 
spectful attention from girls who are gener- 
ally ignorant, and often impudent and ill- 
bred. The greatest strength of the mistress 
lies in her power to control herself, and 
while she must demand respectfulness from 
her servants, she can often avoid a clash 
with them by using a little tact. If they 
are treated in a kind, though dignified, man- 
ner, unless very degenerate, they will usu- 
ally respond satisfactorily. 

One can speak, with perfect propriety, of 
the one servant employed as ''the maid," 
but not as "our girl." 

Servants should be expected to dress neat- 
ly, and where there is but one, she should 
have a clean white apron ready to put on 
when answering the door-bell, being pre- 
pared with a tray to receive the caller's card. 
She should also know, before answering the 
bell, who is in and who is not at home, and 
what excuse, if any, to make for each one 
called for. 

Servants should never be allowed to call 
any member of the family from a distance, 
as from the foot of the stairs, but should go 
to the one to whom she wishes to speak, 
and deliver her message. 

It is hard to say, under all circumstances, 
what to expect of a nursery governess, and 



96 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

what should be her privileges. To treat 
her with the greatest consideration is well 
worth while; for one is compensated in be- 
ing able to get an intellegent, ladylike wo- 
man who may be trusted to guide her charges 
wisely. One may ask a governess to sleep 
in the same room with the children, dress 
and undress them, eat with them, and teach 
them, and take the entire charge of them; 
but, of course, one will provide some attrac- 
tive place for her to sit during the evening, 
while the children are asleep in her room. 
It is also necessary to see that her meals are 
well cooked and carefully served, and to 
permit her to be free one afternoon and even- 
ing every week. She should be addressed 
as "Miss Smith," not by her first name. 

It is expedient to supervise the work of 
the general house- work servant as much as 
possible; and if it is more convenient for 
her to go up the front stairs to announce 
callers, and to go down them to answer the 
front door, certainly allow her to use the 
front stairs instead of the back ones on oc- 
casions. A waitress or parlor-maid is no 
more privileged to use the front stairs than 
a general house- work servant. A nurse 
may be, with propriety, wherever her charges 
are allowed. 

If a maid is expected to wear a cap, it is 
usually furnished by the lady of the house. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 97 

It is good form to address the servants one 
knows when entering a house, and to thank 
them for any attention. 

It is unfortunate that the English system 
of feeing has come into vogue here. But it 
is quite customary now, for a guest, after a 
visit, even a short one, to bestow upon a 
servant a small fee, say, of a dollar. 



CHAPTER VII. 
Funerals, Mourning. 



Civility implies self-sacrifice; it is the last 
touch, the crowning perfection of a noble 
character. — Mathews. 



FUNERALS. 

At no place is a lack of system, and an 
observance of formality, more noticable than 
at a funeral. An undertaker generally has 
charge of the details, and where he is well 
informed and has sufficient assistance, he 
can manage affairs nicely, but there is a 
great deal of unostentatious service that 
may be done by friends, indeed, must be. 
They can assist the servants in arrang- 
ing the house, flowers, etc. , before the fu- 
neral; meet any who may call at the door; 
and in every way stand between the afflict- 
ed family and the outside world. Of course 
none but intimate friends can be of service 
at such a time. All others, no matter how 
willing, can but call at the door with offers 
of service, and even that should not be car- 
ried far enough to appear intrusive. 

At a house funeral the family remains up- 
stairs, or in a side room, and is not seen. 
The remains are in the drawing-room, where 
they are usually viewed by those present 

98 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 99 

when passing out. The clergyman stands 
near the head of the casket, if in so doing 
his voice can be well heard. If there is sing- 
ing, it is usually done by a quartet or by a 
smaller number of persons, who are seated at 
the head of the stairs out of sight and un- 
accompanied by any musical instrument. 
Those who are not going to the cemetery 
quietly disperse at the close of the service. 
Carriages are in waiting for the family, and 
the cortege moves as soon after the close of 
the service as possible. 

In the meantime the nurse (if one still 
remains at the house), or some friend, with 
the assistance of the servants, makes every- 
thing look as natural and pleasant as possible 
before the return of the family. If visitors 
come in later, of course it depends upon 
circumstances whether or not they should 
be admitted. 

Church funerals are more formal. The 
congregation assembles, and when the 
carriages containing the family arrive, the 
organ plays softly, and the procession enters, 
the relatives walking close to the casket, 
and sitting as near it as possible. After 
the services the procession moves out in the 
same order, and the people in the pews wait 
until is has passed on. 

The crepe that is hung at the door-bell 
has often combined with it ribbon streamers, 



100 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

those for the aged being black, for a 
younger person purple, and for a child 
white with white cr£pe also. Flowers 
should be sent to the bereaved, in due time 
after the death, in token of sympathy. 

MOURNING. 

The putting on of mourning is a question 
that should be decided entirely by those 
most deeply concerned. Many families 
never follow the custom, and even wear 
white instead of black on the day of the 
funeral, while others seem to consider the 
wearing of crepe as a mark of respect shown 
to the dead. To assume the expense such 
a change in clothing would entail, may 
sometimes be placing a burden upon the 
living for the sake of the dead, which cer- 
tainly neither custom nor reason should de- 
mand. Then, to many, the wearing of 
crepe is so depressing that it is a sin against 
one's self to put it on. None but narrow- 
minded, uncultivated persons would ever 
think of criticising one for not doing so. 
Of couse one would naturally feel like dress- 
ing in as subdued colors as possible, if 
not in assuming half mourning (black and 
white, lavendar, drab, etc.) if not deep 
black or crepe. 

When mourning is worn by a wife for a 
husband, it is worn from one to two years, 
at least. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 101 

The question of wearing mourning for 
one's betrothed must be decided by one's 
self, for it is purely a personal question that 
the laws of etiquette do not govern. 

When crepe is laid aside, black-bordered 
paper and black-bordered cards are no longer 
proper. While wearing all black on the 
street, after crepe is laid aside, one may 
wear, with propriety, all white in the house. 

While in deep mourning one does not go 
into society. All that mourning etiquette 
demands is that one acknowledge her calls 
with her visiting cards, which should be 
sent in return for a call within two weeks 
after it is made, and should go by hand 
rather than by mail. 

One sends invitations to one's friends who 
are in mourning, to show that they are not 
forgotten. 



CHAPTER VIII. 
Politeness of Young Children. 



Give a boy address and accomplishments, 
and you give him the mastery of palaces and 
fortunes wherever he goes. — Ralph Waldo 
Emerson. 

A mother once asked a clergyman when 
she should begin to educate her child, then 
three years old. "Madam/ ' was his reply, 
"you have lost three years already." 

As soon as the child can talk, its lessons 
in politeness should begin. Among a child's 
first words should be "please" and "thank 
you." 

A child should never be allowed to leave 
the table, after it is old enough to under- 
stand and to say it, without asking to be 
excused. 

A child should be taught to pass behind 
and not before one. 

Little boys should never be allowed to 
keep their hats on in the house. 

Children, when very young, should be 
taught to be generous and polite to their 
little visitors, and, if necessary, to give up 
all of anything where half will not do. 

Children should be taught to ' take turns" 
in playing games, and that no one should 
monopolize the pleasantest part of a game. 
102 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 103 

Children soon feel a pride in being little 
ladies and gentlemen, rather than in being 
rude and impolite. 

If mothers would impress upon their chil- 
dren' s minds how stupid they appear when 
they stand staring at one without answering 
when addressed with "good morning" or a 
like salutation, they would be anxious to 
know what to say, and to say it. 

Children do not always know what to an- 
swer when addressed. They ought to be 
taught, so that they may feel no embarrass- 
ment. 

When children inconvenience others, they 
ought to be taught to say "excuse me" or 
"beg pardon." 

In the cars, or in any c public place, a boy 
or a girl should always rise, and give his or 
her place to an older person. 

A child should always learn that it is both 
naughty and rude to contradict, and to say 
"what for" and "why," when told to do 
anything. 

A mother who is as careful of her child's 
moral nature and manners as of his physi- 
cal nature, will guard him from naughty 
and rude playmates as closely as she would 
from measles or whooping-cough. 

A mother should never allow any disre- 
spect in her children's manners toward her- 



io4 Practical etiquette. 

self, nor toward any one older than they 
are. They should be taught especially to 
reverence the aged. 

Habits of politeness and kindness to the 
poor are of great worth, and easily formed 
in childhood. 

Virtue is born of good habits, and the 
formation of habits may be said to consti- 
tute almost the whole work of education. 

Habits have been compared to handcuffs, 
easily put on and difficult to rid one's 
self of. 

Those parents who regulate their lives in 
accordance with the commands of the Bible, 
find many verses which are of great assist- 
ance in teaching politeness to young chil- 
dren, such as, "Be ye courteous one to an- 
other," "Be respectful to your elder," "Do 
to other as ye would that they should do to 
you," etc. 

A child should be thoroughly trained 
with regard to table manners. The well- 
bred child will not chew his food with his 
mouth half open, talk with it in his mouth, nor 
make any unnecessary noises in eating; and 
he will handle his knife and fork properly. 

Children should be taught that it is very 
rude to look into drawers or boxes, or, in 
fact, to meddle with or handle anything 
away from home that is not intended for 
them to play with. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 105 

Children should be made to understand 
that they must not ask too many questions 
promiscuously, such as, "Where are you 
going?' ' "What have you there?" etc. 

A child should be taught never to tease 
a playmate's mother, or to have its own 
mother teased by a playmate. Teasing 
should not be allowed. 

Children should never be allowed to say 
"I won't" and "I will," even to each 
other. 

Children should never be allowed to speak 
of an elder person by the last name without 
the proper prefix. They should also be 
taught, in addressing boys and girls, say, 
sixteen years of age, to use the prefix, as 
"Miss" or "Mr.," before the given name; 
thus "Miss Alice" or "Mr. George." In 
fact, all people should observe this rule in 
addressing the young, except in case the 
older person is very familiar with the 
younger, or in case the latter is too young 
to be so addressed. 

Children are now taught to say, "Yes, 
mamma," "What, mamma?" "Thank you, 
mamma," "Yes, Mrs. Allen," "What, 
Mrs. Allen?" etc., in preference to "Yes, 
ma'am," No, ma'am," etc. 

Children should be taught that it is rude 
to yawn without trying to suppress it, or 



106 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

without concealing the mouth with the hand; 
to whistle or hum in the presence of older 
persons; or to make any monotonous noise 
with feet or hands, beating time, etc.; to 
play with napkin rings, or any article at 
table during meal time; to pick the teeth 
with the fingers; to trim or clean one's nails 
outside one's room; to lounge anywhere in 
the presence of company ; to place the el- 
bows on the table, or to lean upon it while 
eating; to speak of absent persons by their 
first names, when they would not so address 
them if they were present; to acquire the 
habit of saying "you know," "says he," 
"says she;" to use slang words; to tattle; to 
hide the mouth with the hand when speak- 
ing; to point at anyone or anything with 
the finger; to stare at persons; to laugh at 
one's own stories or remarks; to toss 
articles instead of handing them; to 
leave the table with food in the mouth; to 
take possession of a seat that belongs to 
another without instantly rising upon his 
return; to leave anyone without saying 
"good-by;" to interrupt any one in conver- 
sation; to push; to ridicule others; to pass, 
without speaking, any one whom they know; 
etc. 

Some young people are not as particular 
as they should be about certain articles of 
the toilet, such as combs, brushes, etc. One 
should always have such things for his own 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 107 

individual use. It is exceedingly impolite 
to use any toilet article belonging to another. 

It is ill-mannered to ask questions about 
affairs that do not concern one, or to pry 
into the private affairs of one's friends. To 
inquire the cost of articles indiscriminately, 
is impudent. 

If parents are not at home when visitors 
come in, or are too busy to see them at once, 
a child, in the absence of a maid, should 
politely show them in, offer them a com- 
fortable chair, show them anything he 
thinks they will be interested in, and make 
every effort to entertain them agreeably 
until such time as his parents can take his 
place. He should then politely withdraw 
from the room. 

Children and young people should early 
learn not to monopolize the best light or 
the most desirable seat in the room, but to 
look about when anyone enters, whether a 
guest or an older member of their own fam- 
ily, and see if by giving up their own place 
the new-comer may be made more comfor- 
table. 

A boy ought to show to his mother and 
sisters every attention he would show to any 
other woman. Should they chance to meet 
on the street he should politely raise his 
hat. He should allow them to pass first 
through a door, give them the inside of the 



108 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

walk, help them into a carriage, and every- 
where and under all circumstances treat 
them with politeness and deference. Girls 
should of course treat their brothers in the 
same polite manner; for they can hardly 
expect to receive attentions where they are 
unwilling to bestow them. 

Children, especially little boys, should be 
taught not to precede their mothers, or any 
woman, into theaters, street cars, churches, 
elevators, or into the house or even a room. 

SCHOOL-ROOM ETIQUETTE. 

"Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not virtues 
themselves." 

If teachers realized the inestimable 
amount of good they might accomplish by 
giving a little time and thought to the 
manners of their pupils, surely they would 
willingly give it. Those of their pupils 
who have no proper training at home would 
thus gain a knowledge which, in after life, 
would prove a blessing. And such a course 
acted upon by the teacher would be of 
great assistance to the parents of those who 
are well trained at home; for a large portion 
of a child's time is spent in school, and 
under conditions that require such training. 

Teachers must treat their scholars po- 
litely if they expect polite treatment from 
them. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 109 

Every teacher should see that no pupil is 
allowed to treat those of a lower station in 
life with disrespect. 

It is a common occurrence for a teacher 
to speak with seeming disrespect of a 
pupil's parents, blaming them for the 
pupil's lack of interest in school, truancy, 
etc. Such a course is highly reprehensible 
in the teacher, and gains the pupil's ill-will. 
It is better to assume that the parents 
would be displeased with anything wrong 
in the pupil, and to appeal to the pupil for 
his mother's or father's sake. 

A teacher should never allow herself or 
himself to be addressed by pupils as ' 'Teach- 
er," but as Miss or Mr. Smith. 

If pupils would take pains to bid a teach- 
er ' 'good-morning" and "good-night," they 
would appear well in so doing, and easily 
give pleasure to another. 

The entire atmosphere of a school-room is 
dependent upon trifles. Where a teacher, by 
her own actions and in accordance with her 
requirements, insures kindness and polite- 
ness from all to all, she may feel almost sure 
of the success of her school. 

Young misses ought to be addressed by 
the teacher as "Miss Julia," "Miss Annie." 
Young boys (too young to be addressed as 
Mr.) should be addressed as "Master 
Brown," "Master Jones," etc. 



110 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Teachers should use great discretion in 
reproving any unintentional rudeness, es- 
pecially on the part of those ignorant from 
lack of home training. If such were re- 
proved gently and privately, it would be 
more efficacious and just. No one should 
be allowed to appear to disadvantage from 
ignorance. 

Selfishness, untruthfulness, slang, rowdy- 
ism, egotism, or any show of superiority 
should be corrected in the school-room. 

Young teachers hardly realize with what 
fear and dread mothers intrust to them their 
carefully reared children, especially young 
ones. 



CHAPTER X. 
Official Etiquette. 



"Good fashion rests on realty, and hates 
nothing so much as pretenders." — Emerson. 

All presentations to foreign courts are 
made through the national representatives, 
and from them is received all the informa- 
tion desired in reference to the necessary- 
forms and ceremonies. 

Kings and queens are addressed as "Your 
Majesty. ' ' The Prince of Wales, the crown 
princes, and all other princes and princesses 
are addressed as "Your Royal Highness." 

The President's "levees" at Washington 
are open to all, and are conducted very much 
as an ordinary ' 'reception. ' ' As one enters, 
an official announces him, and he proceeds 
directly to the president and his lady, and 
pays his respects. 

The door of the White House may be 
said never to be closed, and any one who 
desires may call upon its occupants as upon 
those of any other dwelling. He may not, 
however, obtain a personal interview. This, 
to be secured, he must seek in the company 
of an official or intimate friend of the presi- 
dent, who will be able to judge of the claims 
for attention of a visitor, 
in 



112 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

No particular style of dress is required to 
make one's appearance at the Republican 
Court. 

No refreshments are expected to be of- 
fered at a presidential reception. 

Custom does not require that the wife of 
the president of the United States should re- 
turn official calls. Exception is made in the 
case of visiting Royalty. The wives of the 
foreign ambassadors should make the first 
call upon the wife of the vice-president, as 
should the wives of the cabinet officials. At 
a function given by officials of foreign gov- 
ernments at Washington, the wife of the 
secretary of state takes precedence over the 
wives of the foreign ambassadors. 






CHAPTER XI. 

Business Correspondence, Applica- 
tions, Etc. 



Since custom is the principal magistrate 
of humam life, let men by all means endeavor 
to obtain good customs.— Lord Bacon. 

CORRESPONDENCE. 

BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE. 

Closely written postal cards and long 
letters meet with little favor among business 
men; therefore it is important to make busi- 
ness correspondence as plain and brief as 
possible. 

Names of places and persons should be 
written very plainly. 

When a letter is written in reply to an- 
other, the date of the letter to which the 
reply is made should be given, and it is an 
excellent plan, and one that saves much 
time, to give in a letter the substance of 
the one to which it is a reply. This is 
especially desirable when accepting a special 
offer made in such letter, thus: 

Mr. A. FLANAGAN, 

Chicago, Illinois. 
Dear Sir: 

Your favor of Feb. 15, in which you offer us 
a discount of 33^ per cent, on your books, when 
purchased in lots of 100 or more, came duly. We 

113 



114 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

herewith enclose our check for three hundred dol- 
lars ($300.), for which please ship us, by freight 
the following: 

100 copies of "Words; Their Use and Abuse." 
100 " < 'Getting on in the World. ' ' 

I 100 " "Hours with Men and Books." 

Respectfully, 

Geo. W. Jones & Co. 
Boulder, Colo., April 3, 1899. 

Griggsville, 111. 
Messrs. Harper & Brothers, 

New York. 
Gentlemen: 

Enclosed is a post-office order for $3, for 
which please send me Harper's New Monthly 
Magazine for one year, beginning with the May 
number. Respectfully, 

(Miss) Sara Brown. 

When writing a business letter, a married 
woman should sign her name as she would 
sign it when writing any other letter; that 
is, by placing her first name and surname in 
the usual position of the signature, and add- 
ing, a little to the left-hand, her name in 
full, with the address, thus: 

St. Paul, Minn., Nov. 9th, 1899. 
Messrs. Harper & Brothers, 

New York. 
Gentlemen : 

Please send me one copy of "How Women 
Should Ride," for which you will find enclosed one 
dollar and twenty-five cents ($1.25). 

Respectfully, 

Emma C. Bowen. 
Mrs. Charles E. Bowen, 
324 Dupont Avenue. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 115 

When writing to a person or firm for in- 
formation solely for one's own benefit, a 
postal card or a stamped envelope should 
be enclosed for a reply. 

It is a too common custom among people 
unacquainted with the rules of business, 
when sending an order to one firm, to en- 
close money to be paid another, or with 
which to make small purchases in some other 
line, to be sent in the package ordered from 
the firm with which the correspondence is 
held. The proper way to do when one 
wishes to order goods from different houses 
in the same city, and yet have all the goods 
shipped in the same package, is to write an 
order to each firm requesting the goods 
to be delivered to the firm with which one 
does the most business, having, of course, 
notified such firm of his action. 

It has become so common among people 
to request everything ''by return mail" that 
business men look upon such requests as a 
mere form, rather than as an evidence of 
urgency. If such urgency exists, it is well 
to state the cause of it in a few words, and 
request immediate attention to the order, 
thus: 

Harvard, 111., Nov. 2, 1899. 
Messrs. a. C. McCijjrg & Co., 

Chicago. 
Gentlemen: 

I enclose herewith $2, for which please send 
me a copy of Longfellow's poetical works. You 



116 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

will oblige me by sending the book by return mail, 
as I wish to use it on the evening of the 4th inst. 
Respectfully, 

James Weixs. 

Whoever writes a caustic letter makes a 
mistake; for it will do no good, even if there 
seems to be a cause for it, and if the assumed 
cause proves to be simply a mistake the 
writer will be humilated. 

LETTERS OF APPLICATION. 

It is sometimes difficult to write a letter 
of application, because one must speak of 
himself and of his ability to fill the position 
sought, and to do so without seeming 
egotistic. If the applicant has had experi- 
ence in work similar to that for which he 
applies, a simple statement of the fact, the 
length of time engaged in such work, the 
reason for quitting his last position, and the 
name and address of his former employer, 
should form the substance of his letter. If 
he has had no experience, he should state 
what advantages he has had to qualify him- 
self for the work, and not boast that he 
could soon and easily learn to do it. 
j The following will exemplify the points: 
124 La Salle St., 

Chicago, Sept. 24, 1899. 
Messrs. A. G. Baker & Co., 

Kirkwood, Ohio. 
Gentlemen: 

I am informed by a friend, Mr. C. A. 
Brooks, of your village, that you are in want of a 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 117 

book-keeper, and I desire to make application for 
the position. I am a young man, but have had 
several years experience in keeping books. I am 
now in charge of the books of Messrs. Jones & 
Williams, of this city, to whom I can refer you for 
information as to my ability and character. I de- 
sire to go to the country, and should be glad to 
work for you, if you can pay me $70 per month, 
which is my present salary. 

Very respectfully, 

T. R. MlU.ER. 

Salem, Wis., May 15, 1899. 
Messrs. Clark & Wii^iams, 

107 State Street, Chicago. 
Gentlemen: 

I am informed that your shipping clerk is 
soon to leave, and that the position now held by 
him will be vacant. I desire to apply for the 
same, but I am sorry to state that I have not had 
any experience in this particular line of work; 
however, I have been a general clerk in a village 
store, and am familiar with simple book-keeping, 
which would probably enable me to learn the 
work of a shipping clerk in a reasonable length of 
time. 

In case you should wish to engage me on 
trial, I would gladly assist, without compensation, 
your present clerk until the end of his engage- 
ment, which, I understand, is about three weeks 
from date. 

My present employer is Mr. G. W. Webster, 
of this place, and he will doubtless answer any in- 
quiries concerning my work that you may address 
him. 

Respectfully, 

Geo. E. Johnson. 

Such letters should always contain a 
stamp for a reply. The stamp is attached 



118 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

by its corner or by a pin to the head of the 
letter. 

Great precaution should always be taken 
not to send a letter with insufficient postage 
on it; for the additional postage is collected 
from the person to whom the letter is sent, 
and many business men look upon such 
neglect as inexcusable, if they do not con- 
sider it dishonest, inasmuch as it compels 
others to pay what the writer should have 
known it was his duty to pay. 

An application for a position as teacher in 
a public school is often very difficult to 
write, because it is necessary to say much, 
and to say it, in some cases, to men who 
are not thoroughly familiar with business 
principles. 

Before giving any forms, some sugges- 
tions which experience has taught may be 
of great importance. The handwriting 
should be natural. If one has a degree, he 
should not sign his name with it, but state 
in his letter that he is a graduate, naming 
the institution from which he was gradu- 
ated. All boasting should be avoided. 
One should not ask a reply by return mail, 
but he might enclose a postal card or a 
stamp with a request to be informed when 
the board meets to consider applications. 
One ought not to name as references per- 
sons who know nothing about his work; for 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 119 

although they may, if consulted, endeavor 
to praise him, they will show their ignor- 
ance of what he has done, and the board 
will naturally assume that he has no better 
references. 

As a rule it is not advisable to give testi- 
monials from ministers or from county 
superintendents, unless the writers can say 
that they are familiar with the teacher's 
work, and have visited his school. Very 
old testimonials should not be placed be- 
fore a board. Indeed, it is doubtful whether 
any testimonial, unless it comes from a 
competent judge, is of value. 

If boards would consult one's references, 
or seek information from outside sources, it 
would be only just to all concerned; but as 
they will not often do this, it is wise to 
send copies of two or three, generally not 
more, good testimonials, and to have one 
or two of the applicant's friends write the 
board in his behalf. 

A letter of application, especially if for 
the position of superintendent or that of 
principal, should be full and explicit, speci- 
fying the opportunities the writer has had 
to prepare himself for the position, rather 
than stating that he has done so-and-so, for 
in the latter case it might seem like boast- 
ing. 

Sometimes a short letter, unless circum- 



120 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

stances demand a long one, will be most fa- 
vorably received by a board. The writer 
once knew a very important position to be 
obtained by a correspondence about as fol- 
lows (names of places, dates, etc., are omit- 
ted): 

To the Honorable Board of Education. 
Gentlemen: 

I learn through a friend in your county, that 
the position of superintendent of your school is va- 
cant. If the position has not been filled, I desire 
to make application for the same. I am a gradu- 
ate of , and have taught three years. 

I am now principal of the schools, but 

desire to teach in your State, as my home is there. 
Respectfully, 

A stamp was enclosed for a reply. The 
secretary of the board at once wrote asking 
for references and stating the salary paid. 
The applicant replied that he did not wish 
the position at the salary named, and 
thanked the secretary for the trouble he had 
been given. 

Had the applicant written a long letter, 
setting forth the value of his services, and 
urging the board to raise the salary, it is 
not probable that a reply would have been 
received by him. The simple statement 
that he did not want the position at the sal- 
ary named, was evidence to the board that 
he considered his services worth more, and, 
moreover, that he had confidence that he 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 121 

would command more. The secretary re- 
plied to the last short note, asking for ref- 
erences and at what salary he would ac- 
cept the position. The information was 
given, and in a few days the applicant was 
requested to meet the board with the assur- 
ance that the position would be given him 
if the interview proved satisfactory, which 
it did. Afterwards the applicant was in- 
formed by the president of the board that 
his short business-like letters, written in an 
almost illegible but natural hand, obtained 
for him the place over nearly one hundred 
applicants, many of whom were college 
graduates of long experience in teaching, 
and who had basketfuls of testimonials, but 
not one of whom had written even a fairly 
good letter of application. 

Many cities and towns have stated public 
examinations, which applicants must attend 
before they can be employed. 

The impression of character and of qual- 
ification produced by a personal interview 
is deemed so important that even minor ap- 
pointments are scarcely given to any one 
not personally known to one of the school 
board, or to some one in whose professional 
judgment they have great confidence. 

Preliminary inquiries about positions are 
most profitably made through acquaintances, 
who ean advise one whether to take any 
further steps. One might write as follows: 



122 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

Chicago, 111., Nov. 3, 1899. 
My Dear Friend: 

May I trouble you to ascertain whether there 
is any vacancy in the schools at Elgin, to which I 
would have any prospect of an appointment? You 
will confer a great favor upon me if you will ask the 
superintendent, and let me know soon what he 
says. You can say to him that after I finished the 
high school course at Racine, I taught a term in a 
district school in Racine County, Wis. , and was one 
year in charge of a primary department at Wood- 
stock, and that I had charge of the grammar de- 
partment at the latter place last year. 

You know something of the work I have 
done, and I can furnish testimonials from the school 
officers where I have taught. 

Yours very truly, 

Emma C. Bowen. 

If a favorable answer is received, some- 
thing like the following form may be used, 
which is also a form suitable to make appli- 
cation where one is already acquainted, and 
where formal applications are expected. 

Chicago, 111., Jan. 10, 1899. 
Mr. C. E. Ryan, 

Supt. of Public Schools, 
Elgin, 111. 
Dear Sir: 

I desire to obtain a position in the schools of 
your city. I enclose a letter from Mr. Henry Jones, 
a director of Woodstock, where I last taught; and I 
refer you to Mrs. Mary Smith, of Elgin. I prefer 
the intermediate work, but would not object to any 
position that I may be able to fill. 

I completed the course in the Racine High 
School, and have taught a little more than two years, 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 123 

first in a country school, then in a primary school 
a year at Woodstock, where I afterward had charge 
of the grammar room for a year. 

Please inform me when and by whom can- 
didates are examined, as well as what vacancies 
there are, and be kind enough to make any sugges- 
tions that you think will be helpful to me. 
Very respectfully, 

(Miss) Emma C. Bowen. 



* 



CHAPTER XII. 
GENERAL HINTS. 



We remain shackled by timidity till we have 
learned to speak and act with propriety.— 
Samuel Johnson. 

A man raises his hat when walking with 
another, not only to his own acquaintances, 
but to those persons who bow to his com- 
panion, whether he is acquainted with them 
or not. 

If a man meets a woman in a hotel corri- 
dor or hall he should step aside, allowing 
her to pass, and raising his hat. 

If in a public place a man hands a woman 
anything she has dropped, he should raise 
his hat when offering it to her. A well- 
bred man raises his hat after passing the 
fare of a woman in a car or coach. This 
does not mean that he has any desire to 
become acquainted with her, but it is his 
tribute to her sex. 

Slight inaccuracies in statements should 
not be corrected in the presence of others. \ 

One should give her children, unless 
married, their christian names only, or say 
"my daughter" or "my son," in speaking 
of them to anyone excepting servants. 

124 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 125 

Men remove their hats when in elevators 
in the presence of women. 

Men having occasion to pass before women 
seated in lecture and concert rooms, and all 
other places, should "beg pardon," and 
pass with their faces, and not their backs, ; 
toward them. 

In going up or down stairs, a man pre- 
cedes a woman or walks by her side. 

To indulge in ridicule of another, whether 
the subject be present or absent, is to de- 
scend below the level of gentlemanly pro- 
priety. 

A reverence for religious observances and 
religious opinions is a distinguishing trait 
of a refined mind. 

Religious topics should be avoided in con- 
versation, except where all are prepared to 
concur in a respectful treatment of the sub- 
ject. In mixed societies the subject should 
never be introduced. 

Frequent consultation of the watch or 
time-piece is impolite, either when at home or 
abroad. If at home, it appears as if one 
were tired of the company and wished them 
to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged 
heavily, and one were calculating how soon 
he would be released. 

It is very unbecoming to exhibit petul- 
ance or angry feeling, though it is indulged 



126 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

in largely in almost every circle. The true 
gentleman does not suffer his countenance 
to be easily ruffled. 

The right of privacy is sacred, and should 
always be respected. It is exceedingly im- 
proper to enter a private room without 
knocking. No relation, however intimate, 
will justisy an abrupt intrusion upon 
a private apartment. Likewise the trunk, 
boxes, packets, papers, or letters of any in- 
dividual, locked or unlocked, sealed or un- 
sealed, are sacred. It is ill-mannered even 
to open a book-case, or to read a written 
paper lying open, without permission, ex- 
pressed or implied. 

Members of the same family should never 
differ with each other in public. 

One should never appear to be thinking 
of his own personal rights to the resenting 
of a little slight, whether real or imaginary. 

In small communities where near neigh- 
bors, for convenience's sake, borrow back and 
forth, great care should be taken that the 
practice does not become a nuisance, as it 
surely does when it is indulged in too fre- 
quently, and when borrowed articles are 
not speedily returned and in good condi- 
tion. There should be no stinted measures 
in returning. 

Ostentation is snobbish, as is all too great 
profusion. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 127 

To affect not to remember a person is 
despicable, and reflects only on the preten- 
der. 

Some conceited or ill-bred people imagine 
they make themselves important and power- 
ful by being rude and insulting. 

One is judged, to a great extent, by the 
character of his associates. 

One should be very careful how he asks 
for the loan of a book. If interest is shown 
in one, its owner will offer it for perusal if 
willing to lend it. When reading a bor- 
rowed book, one should take the best of 
care of it, and return it as soon as possible. 
No real lady or gentlemen will leave finger 
prints upon its pages, or turn down its 
leaves in place of a book-mark, or scribble 
in it with a pencil, or loan it to a third per- 
son without the knowledge and consent of 
the owner. 

A lack of reverence in one in the house of 
God, implies low parentage, or a coarse na- 
ture that is not subject to refinement. 

To whisper and laugh during any public 
entertainment proclaims one's ill-breeding, 
and invades the rights of others. 

One ought never to leave the house after 
the evening's entertainment without bidding 
the hostess good-night, and acknowledging 
the pleasure the evening has afforded him. 



128 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

The business man has no stock-in-trade 
that pays him better than a good address. 

It is only those persons and families 
whose position is not a secure one, that are 
afraid to be seen outside their own social 
circle. 

One should never reprove servants or 
children before strangers. 

A true lady will not betray her astonish- 
ment at any violation of conventional rules, 
least of all will she make it her province to 
punish those who may make any such vio- 
lation. 

If one, on meeting another, fails to re- 
call the name, he should frankly say so. 

One should never recall himself to the 
recollection of a casual acquaintance with- 
out at the same time mentioning his name. 

In a flat-house a man should take his hat 
and coat into the apartment where he is go- 
ing to call, and not leave them in the hall 
on the first floor. 

It is very bad taste, even in quite a large 
party, for young girls to visit a man at his 
office. 

It is perfectly good form for a mother 
to invite to a little child's party children 
whose parents she does not know, or who 
have not yet called upon her. The invita- 
tions go out in the child's name and to the 
child's friends. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 129 

It is extremely rude and ill-bred, when at 
a boarding-house or hotel table, to criticise 
the food that is served. The fact that it is 
paid for makes it none the less an evidence 
of bad manners. People who are not satis- 
fied where they are boarding should always 
leave; they have no right to make others 
uncomfortable by their lack of good-breed- 
ing. 

Women of good-breeding do not permit 
themselves to "overlook" those to whom 
courtesies are due. 

A man should learn to put his coat on in 
a public place of entertainment so that he 
will not require assistance from the woman 
who is with him. 

The young woman to whom a seat is of- 
fered should take it, unless her companion 
is an older woman, when it would be quite 
proper to extend the courtesy to her. 

It is very bad taste, even for a frolic, for 
a young girl to assume boy's clothes, or get 
herself up in any way that will tend to make 
herself look masculine. 

There is no impropriety in giving to those 
men friends with whom one is well acquaint- 
ed, some trifling souvenir at Christmas or 
Easter, or on birthdays. 

It is customary for a young man to send 
a young woman only such gifts as flowers, 



130 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

candy, and books; and as these presents are 
sent merely as a slight return for her hospi- 
tality and invitations to her house, etc. , it is 
not necessary for her to send him any gift 
in return. If, however, a young woman 
and man are on intimate enough terms to 
exchange presents, she may send him any 
small article for the desk or toilet; such as 
a silver-handled whisk broom, court-plaster 
case, pen-wiper, paper-cutter, or books, 
which are a good present and always ac- 
ceptable to any one. 

Nothing looks more ill-bred than to see a 
young man, under his parents' roof, devot- 
ing himself during a whole evening entirely 
to one young woman to the ignoring of the 
others. 

A man who is escorting two women in 
the street should not walk between them, 
but on the outside of both near the curb; at 
the theater or at any place of amusement or 
at church, he should sit nearest to the aisle, 
at the side of one of them. 

Unless there is some good reason why she 
needs his support, a man seldom offers his 
arm to a woman he escorts, even in the 
evening. A husband may offer his arm to 
his wife, of course, and a man may proffer 
this help to an invalid or aged person. 

A little delicate perfume may be used with 
propriety, but a heavy perfume, and one 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 131 

that scents the entire room in which the 
person who uses it happens to be, is in very- 
Dad form. 

In opening a door from the hall to the 
drawing-room, a man should hold it while 
a woman precedes him in entering. 

When one's pardon is asked for some 
slight inattention, an inclination of the 
head and a smile is the best answer. 

The words "gentleman friend" and 
''lady friend" have been so vulgarized that 
most well-bred women now say "man 
friend" or "woman friend," it being taken 
for granted that they number among their 
friends only ladies and gentlemen. 

Custom never condones liberties, no mat- 
ter how slight, between young men and 
women. 

When a woman is visiting, any acquaint- 
ance who should call upon her should also 
ask for her hostess, and if she is absent 
leave a card for her. 

It is considered very bad taste for a 
young girl to address a man with whom 
her acquaintance is but slight by his chris- 
tian name. 

No young man has any right to spend 
the entire afternoon and evening every 
Sunday at one particular housef to the an- 
noyance of an entire family, who do not 



132 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

like to make him conscious of the fact that 
they consider him a bore. 

When a young man is paying a visit, 
and the older members of the family are in 
the room, he should, in leaving, bid them 
good-night first, and afterward say his fare- 
well to the young girl on whom he has 
called. It is in bad taste for her to go any 
further than the parlor door with him. 

Even if a correspondence is of a ' 'purely 
friendly character," it should not exist be- 
tween a married woman and a young man, 
or between a married man and a young 
woman. 

It is not good taste to ask one's men 
friends to buy tickets for charity affairs. 
They do not like to refuse, and very often, 
though the sum required may be small, 
they cannot afford it. 

There is very great harm in young girls 
meeting young men in secret; the men will 
have no respect for the girls, and nothing 
but mortification for the girls will be the 
result. 

It is quite proper to thank any public 
servant, such as a railroad conductor, for 
any information he may give, but it is not 
necessary to be effusive about it. 

It is not in good taste, nor even proper, 
for young women to go alone to a hotel to 
dine with a man. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 133 

When a girl is young and pretty, a Pla- 
tonic friendship is very difficult to keep up. 

When a man friend has driven a woman 
in town to go to church he should take her 
direct to the church and leave her there 
while he drives where his carriage and 
horses are to wait until after the service. Of 
course he would walk to church and join 
her there. 

It is not in good taste for different mem- 
bers of a party to go off in pairs, and spend 
the evening alone on the seashore. 

It is not wise for a young woman and 
young man living in the same city to corres- 
pond. If meeting each other often they 
ought to be able to say all that is necessary. 

One has no right whatever to read a pos- 
tal card addressed to another without per- 
mission. 

The very minute the married man begins 
to tell of his wife's faults, the time has come 
to cut his acquaintance. 

It is more than wrong for a young girl to 
receive visits from a married man. 

In entering any public place a woman 
should precede a man, but going down the 
aisle, the usher, of course, would precede 
her. 

A hostess stands to receive her visitors, 
but she does not advance to meet them unless 



134 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

the visitor should be some one quite old or 
of such importance that the visit is of great 
honor. The hostess extends her hand to 
the men who call, as well as to the women. 

A woman is not supposed to recognize a 
man who is one of a group standing in a 
public place, since a modest girl will not 
look close enough at a group of men to 
recognize an acquaintance. 

No matter how well a woman may know 
a man, it would be in very bad form to send 
him an invitation which does not include 
his wife, unless it should be at some affair 
at which only men are to be present. 

A man should show as much courtesy to 
a woman in his employ as he does to the 
women he meets in social life. 

It is not in good taste to visit at the home 
of one's betrothed, unless a personal invita- 
tion is received from his mother. 

Two women may attend, with perfect 
propriety, a place of amusement without an 
escort. They should be, however, under 
such circumstances, exceptionally quiet in 
their manners and their dress. 

In escorting a young woman home, a man 
should go up the steps with her, wait until 
the door is opened, and, as she enteres the 
house, raise his hat and say good-night. 

If a young girl were very ill, there would 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 135 

be no impropriety in her mother bringing her 
betrothed to see her, although, of course, 
she would remain in the room during his 
visit. 

It is always proper and courteous for a per- 
son in church to share either prayer-book 
or hymnal with anyone who may be with- 
out either. 

There is no impropriety in a woman's 
permitting a man friend to assist her in 
putting on her over-shoes. 

If one approves of the acting or the senti- 
ment of the play, there is no impropriety in 
expressing gentle applause, but a loud 
clapping of the hands is decidedly vulgar. 

One should never prevent people from 
leaving his house when they desire. That 
is not hospitality. It is tyranny; it is tak- 
ing a mean advantage of their unwillingness 
to offend. 

If a women lives in a boarding house and 
has only one room, it would be very bad taste 
to receive any man visitor there. Even if 
it is not quite so agreeable, they should be 
received in the public parlor. 

When a man and woman approach a 
hostess together, the hostess should shake 
hands with the woman first. 

When a man calls on a woman, he shakes 
hands with her on his arrival; but, unless 



y- 



136 PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 

he is very intimate in the house, a simple 
bow is sufficient when he leaves. 

An unmarried woman writing her name 
in a hotel register should prefix it with 
4 'Miss" in parentheses. 

When a man friend has taken a lady to 
a concert, she should thank him for his 
kindness in having given her a pleasant 
evening. 

Tt is not advisable for a girl to diliberately 
1 'cut' ' any man. If she wishes to discon- 
tinue her acquaintance with a man whom 
she cannot respect, it may be done grad- 
ually, at first by the coolest of greetings; 
then, by a look in the other direction; and 
in time all recognition will cease. 

If a stranger takes occasion to be polite 
to one during a street-car accident, all that 
is necessary is a polite "thank you." 

When a man who is to escort a girl to an 
entertainment calls for her at her own 
home, it is proper for her to appear with 
her wraps on, and be ready to start at once. 

If a man is courteous enough to open the 
door of a store or any public building for a 
woman, she should thank him. 

If a girl of sixteen goes to an evening af- 
fair, her mother should arrange to have 
either a servant or a member of the family 
go after her to bring her home. 



PRACTICAL ETIQUETTE. 137 

If the hostess opens the door for a man 
caller, she should precede him in entering 
the parlor. 

After having taken a meal or having re- 
ceived any other kind of entertainment at a 
private house, before leaving a guest 
should express his thanks, or, rather his 
enjoyment, of the same to the hostess. 
This courtesy from a young man or girl is 
very acceptable to elderly ladies. 

Queen Victoria has forgiven certain 
breaches of etiquette made in ignorance, 
and left her guest to discover the mistake 
at another time. It is a reprehensible host 
indeed who does otherwise, and so makes a 
guest uncomfortable. Etiquette is all 
wrong and false when it makes one forget 
the higher laws of courtesy or hospitality. 



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